iPhone 16 Announced – Finally Adds Intelligence to Smartphone to Offset Decline in Human IQ

In what can only be described as Apple’s most ambitious attempt to justify yet another four-figure device purchase, the technology juggernaut unveiled the iPhone 16, now equipped with all-new “Apple Intelligence” features—because apparently someone at Apple HQ has had enough of the IQ struggle happening out here in the real world.

The latest in their line of pocket-sized miracles, the iPhone 16 is powered by the brand spanking new A18 chip, promising to fix everything that’s wrong with your life, from poorly written emails to finding that one photo from last summer’s beach trip where you’re not a sweaty, sunburned mess.

Apple’s new features include a Siri capable of understanding “complicated natural language requests,” a significant upgrade from her previous incarnation, only able to set reminders and speak in motivational quotes found on Pinterest.

“It’s like having Einstein in your pocket, except Einstein would never overcharge you for a leather case,” said one overly enthusiastic Apple representative. “We’ve engineered this iPhone to help users transition to a world where thinking is optional.”

The AI-driven prowess of the device can do everything but your laundry, though stay tuned for the iPhone 17 because Apple just might be working on that too. With the ability to sift through your unnecessarily vast amount of selfies with a natural language search, the iPhone is here to ensure that every picture of your dog will never be left un-viewed again.

Yet again, the buzzword “focus” is thrown around, as the iPhone 16 allegedly highlights what’s important in your life—like that one notification from three days ago you didn’t reply to. Many users previously unsure of their life’s purpose are looking forward to finally knowing exactly what matters: the contents of their notification bar.

Oh, and let’s not forget the all-new Visual Intelligence, purportedly allowing your iPhone’s camera to analyze images without saving them, guaranteeing your privacy by storing all your awkward photos safely in the Cloud instead.

Apple assures us that millions of users will carry these AI marvels in their pockets, proving once and for all that even though humanity might still not be able to hold a meaningful conversation without over-relying on emojis, there’s hope, and it fits snugly in your skinny jeans’ pocket.

Of course, in the tech game of one-upmanship, Apple smugly glosses over Google and ChatGPT, acting like the cool kid who knows all the tips and tricks but refuses to tell you until you owe them one.

Here’s to the iPhone 16, the latest reminder that while the world may be going to hell in a handbasket, at least our phones will be smarter than most of us on any given day. Welcome to the next era of being out-intelligenced by an inanimate object. Cheers, Apple.