Investors Lament Absence of Time Machines as Century Refuses to Cooperate, Pin Hopes on AI Overlord
In a shocking twist of events nobody could have predicted, the first 25 years of the 21st century have proven to be less of a financial bonanza and more of a financial kerfuffle. It appears the adventurously optimistic souls of late-1990s investment circles misjudged future market dynamics, mistakenly believing that yelling at their fax machines could somehow ensure prosperity well into the future.
During this quarter-century of economic bewilderment, the assumed task of extricating humanity from fiscal malaise has fallen onto the sophisticated shoulders of Artificial Intelligence. That’s right, all hopes now rest on AI, the digital genie that everyone’s confident will transform the chaotic weave of global finance into a cozy swaddle of profit and progress.
“As an investor, I thought I’d be sunbathing on the rooftop pool of my own personal skyscraper by now,” lamented Joe Comatose, an amateur investor whose portfolio is mostly comprised of dot-com relics and obscure cryptocurrency. “Turns out, I’d need AI to figure out just what a day after 1999 actually looks like.”
In a turn of events as staggering as Netflix apologizing for buffering issues, today’s analysts presented stark reminders of days when the technology revolution was paced by Nokia’s dulcet ringtone and fax machines’ melodic screech. It was a time when people firmly believed traditional government debt could simply be wished away with ambitious policies and a pinch of pixie dust. The Congressional Budget Office (CBO) confidently pegged a magical date – sometime in 2013 – when the U.S. would supposedly eradicate all its debt like a college student selling old textbooks for beer money.
Fast forward to our current dystopic reality, and the U.S. debt-to-GDP ratio has done a neat party trick: doubling to over 100%. It’s the kind of fiscal misadventure that makes you wonder if somebody confused the national budget with Monopoly money. Projections now forecast that rotten miracle axis hitting 160% by 2050, a number that experts confess makes mathematics cry.
However, never fear! AI is here! Much like a superhero with ambiguous motives in a summer blockbuster, AI is expected to descend from the digital heavens to deliver us from our monetary mishandlings. “We can’t wait for AI to show us how to multiply pizza rolls in a microwave and profits on Wall Street simultaneously,” declared Dr. Thelma Circuit, head of overly elaborate predictions at Deutsche Bank. “We have every faith in AI fixing everything, from global debt to getting our toasters to stop burning bread. That’s what progress looks like.”
So, as the gears of time churn relentlessly forward, dragging economics along like a reluctant child on a leash, investors eagerly await AI’s intervention, hopeful that it will not only revolutionize productivity but maybe even invent a time machine to whisk them back to the days of tech-boom glee. Until then, we’ll all keep pretending that shouting at Siri and asking Alexa for stock tips is just as good.
