NATION FORCED TO PRETEND APPLE JUST INVENTED AI WHILE TIM COOK SCREAMS “INTELLIGENCE” INTO MICROPHONE
Apple unveiled its revolutionary “Apple Intelligence” this week, a groundbreaking technology that absolutely, positively wasn’t cobbled together from existing AI systems the company desperately rushed to market after realizing they were three f@#king years behind everyone else.
THE INNOVATION ILLUSION
The tech giant proudly announced features like “writing tools” and “live translation,” which are completely novel concepts that definitely haven’t existed on Android phones since approximately the Jurassic Period. Apple executives reportedly high-fived backstage after successfully getting away with renaming basic AI functions like they were exotic space technology.
“What Apple has accomplished here is nothing short of miraculous,” said Dr. Obvious Pandering, Chief Technology Sycophant at BuyMoreAppleProducts Institute. “They’ve taken features available on every smartphone since 2018 and made them cost $1200 more. It’s breathtaking innovation.”
SWEET JESUS, IS THAT A CUSTOM EMOJI?
The crown jewel of Apple Intelligence is reportedly “Genmoji,” which allows users to create custom emojis, solving what experts agree is humanity’s most pressing problem. Sources confirm 87% of Apple employees couldn’t keep a straight face during the feature demonstration.
“We’ve invested billions in R&D to create technology that lets you make a cartoon taco wearing sunglasses,” screamed Tim Cook while reportedly foaming slightly at the mouth. “THE FUTURE IS NOW!”
PRIVACY CONCERNS ADDRESSED WITH VAGUE HAND-WAVING
When asked about privacy concerns, Apple representatives assured users that their data was completely safe, stored locally on devices, except for the 97.3% that absolutely isn’t.
“Your personal information will never leave your phone, except when it does, which is most of the time,” explained Siri McMisunderstanding, Apple’s Senior Vice President of Technically Not Lying. “But we’ve renamed our cloud servers to ‘Private Intelligence Processing Centers’ so it FEELS more secure.”
THE SUBSCRIPTION YOU DIDN’T KNOW YOU NEEDED
Industry analysts predict Apple Intelligence will soon be partitioned into tiers, with “Apple Intelligence Pro Max Ultra” membership costing approximately one kidney per fiscal quarter.
“We’ve calculated the exact psychological breaking point where customers will hate us but still pay,” said Marketing Director Cash Grabber. “It turns out that point is ‘literally any price we name’ as long as the product comes in space gray.”
CONSUMERS REACT WITH PREDICTABLE STOCKHOLM SYNDROME
Early adopters are already lining up to experience features they’ve been actively avoiding on other platforms for years.
“I can’t believe Apple invented artificial intelligence,” said devoted fan Guy Foolish, 34, while camping outside an Apple Store. “Next they’ll probably invent electricity or the wheel! I’ve already sold my car to afford the Apple Intelligence Developer Premium Plus tier, and I can’t wait to use it to do things my Google phone has been doing since 2020.”
At press time, Apple was reportedly planning their next groundbreaking announcement: a revolutionary new concept called “The Search Engine” scheduled for release in 2026.
