BREAKING: INTERNET COMPANIES SHOCKED TO DISCOVER HUMANS DON’T WANT TO READ THEIR SH!T ANYMORE
In a stunning turn of events that absolutely nobody saw coming except literally everyone, news websites are experiencing what experts call a “f@#king catastrophic meltdown” as Google’s AI summaries give people what they actually want: information without seventeen popup ads and an autoplay video about erectile dysfunction.
MEDIA EXECUTIVES DISCOVER KARMA IS A B!TCH
A groundbreaking study released yesterday revealed that websites previously ranked first in Google searches can lose up to 79% of their traffic when placed below an AI summary, causing media executives everywhere to spill their $14 lattes while screaming, “BUT HOW WILL WE PAY FOR OUR YACHT MAINTENANCE NOW?”
“This is the most devastating attack on journalism since people realized they don’t need to buy newspapers to line their birdcages,” said Reginald Clickbait, CEO of DesperateForYourAttention.com. “Our business model of tricking people into visiting our sites with misleading headlines is being destroyed by these silicon summary slaves giving away our precious content for FREE!”
THE SHOCKING TRUTH ABOUT WHY NOBODY WANTS TO CLICK YOUR STUPID LINKS
According to the study, a staggering 97.3% of internet users prefer getting information directly without navigating through what researchers describe as “a digital hellscape of cookie consent forms, newsletter signups, and ads that follow your cursor like a clingy ex.”
Dr. Justin Time, Professor of No-Shit Studies at the University of Common Sense, explained: “What we’re witnessing is the natural evolution of information consumption. People don’t want to wade through seventeen paragraphs of SEO-optimized crap to find out if they need an umbrella tomorrow.”
MEDIA COMPANIES PROPOSE INNOVATIVE SOLUTION: MAKING THEIR WEBSITES SUCK LESS
In response to this crisis, news executives have proposed several revolutionary strategies, including “maybe not having 46 tracking scripts on every page” and the groundbreaking concept of “content that doesn’t make readers want to gouge their eyes out.”
“We’ve conducted extensive research and discovered that people might actually visit our websites if they didn’t crash their browsers and drain their phone batteries,” said Miranda Paywall, Chief Digital Officer at MonetizeYourEyeballs Media Group. “But that sounds hard, so we’re just going to lobby governments to ban AI summaries instead.”
EXPERTS PREDICT 94% OF NEWS SITES WILL BE REPLACED BY INTERPRETIVE DANCE VIDEOS BY 2026
The study further suggests that approximately 94% of current news websites could become obsolete within two years, with information increasingly delivered through more efficient means like AI summaries, telepathy, and carrier pigeons wearing tiny GoPro cameras.
“The market has spoken, and it’s saying ‘your websites are garbage fires wrapped in digital dumpsters,'” explained economic analyst Warren Peace. “News companies essentially built their entire business model on annoying people just enough that they’d still come back. Turns out there’s a limit to human patience, and it’s somewhere around the 15th popup asking if you want to receive notifications.”
As news companies scramble to adapt to this new reality, consumers everywhere are reportedly celebrating by enjoying information without having to sacrifice their firstborn child to read about celebrity weight loss secrets. Meanwhile, media executives are frantically updating their LinkedIn profiles with phrases like “disruption navigator” and “digital transformation guru” while privately googling “how to make money without tricking people.”
