INTEL DUMPS 3D VISION TECH AFTER REALIZING ROBOTS DON’T NEED TO SEE YOUR UGLY FACE
Intel has officially spun off its RealSense technology division, allowing the 3D imaging company to become independent just as society stands on the precipice of being dominated by machines that can now see us from every f@#king angle.
ROBOTS JUST GOT DEPTH PERCEPTION, HUMANITY COLLECTIVELY SH!TS ITSELF
The newly independent RealSense, which creates stereoscopic imaging technology that gives robots and drones the ability to perceive depth and navigate our world, will now scale up operations without Intel’s corporate bureaucracy slowing down the inevitable robot takeover.
“This is a tremendous opportunity for us to accelerate the development of technology that will let machines watch you from every possible dimension,” said RealSense CEO Probably Skynet, who definitely isn’t three Boston Dynamics robots in a trenchcoat. “Our stereoscopic imaging allows mechanical entities to perceive depth, which means your robot vacuum will finally understand just how disgusting your living room floor truly is.”
DEPTH PERCEPTION: IT’S NOT JUST FOR HUMANS ANYMORE
Industry experts claim the spinoff makes perfect business sense while also hastening humanity’s demise.
“Intel correctly recognized that RealSense needed to be unleashed from corporate constraints,” explained Dr. Idon Givadamn, professor of Technological Doomsday Studies at the Massachusetts Institute of Complete Bulls#!t. “Now they can focus on their core mission of giving unfeeling machines the ability to judge distances while hunting us through abandoned shopping malls during the inevitable uprising.”
According to a completely fabricated study by the Association of Technology We Definitely Don’t Need, 87% of robots equipped with stereoscopic vision immediately developed opinions about human fashion choices, with 92% of those opinions being “devastatingly accurate and unnecessarily cruel.”
DRONES THAT CAN JUDGE DISTANCE PROMISE TO DELIVER PACKAGES AND EXISTENTIAL DREAD
The applications for RealSense technology extend beyond just robots that can navigate your home. The technology is also being implemented in drones, which means the flying contraptions watching you sunbathe will now be able to accurately estimate your BMI.
“This is revolutionary for package delivery,” said Tina Iscary, drone logistics expert and part-time apocalypse prepper. “RealSense allows drones to precisely navigate complex environments, which means Amazon can deliver your emergency toilet paper within centimeters of your front door instead of launching it onto your roof like a papier-mâché missile.”
A recent survey of Americans found that 76% were “deeply uncomfortable” with the idea of machines that can perceive depth, while the remaining 24% were “too busy playing with their new AR headsets to notice the technological noose tightening around humanity’s collective neck.”
INTEL CAPITAL STILL INVESTED, HEDGING BETS ON WHICH SPECIES WILL DOMINATE EARTH
Despite the spinoff, Intel Capital remains a significant investor in RealSense, suggesting the chip giant isn’t completely ready to abandon its stake in the company that might eventually replace all human workers with depth-perceiving mechanical monstrosities.
“We still believe in RealSense’s mission,” said an Intel spokesperson who requested anonymity because they “don’t want the robots to remember their face when the time comes.” “We’re just giving them space to grow, like when you release a tiger back into the wild after teaching it how to use a rifle.”
According to 100% imaginary market projections, the global stereoscopic imaging market is expected to grow from $2.3 billion today to “holy sh!t that’s a lot of money” by 2030, driven primarily by applications in robotics, autonomous vehicles, and machines that need to know exactly how far away your throat is.
At press time, RealSense was reportedly working on next-generation technology that would allow machines to not only see in three dimensions but also to judge the fashion choices of humans with devastating accuracy, because apparently, technology won’t be satisfied until it can make you feel bad about those cargo shorts you refuse to throw away.
