INTEL CEO PROMISES TO “CUT THE CR@P” AS COMPANY HEMORRHAGES MONEY FASTER THAN A DRUNK BILLIONAIRE AT A CASINO
NEW CEO THREATENS TO SELL EVERYTHING “THAT ISN’T NAILED DOWN”
Intel’s new CEO Patrick “The Hatchet” Tan announced today his revolutionary business strategy that experts are calling “literally just selling sh!t until the company stops drowning in red ink.”
During the Intel Vision conference, a visibly sleep-deprived Tan paced the stage while explaining his master plan: getting rid of everything that isn’t making money, a concept apparently so revolutionary in Silicon Valley that attendees gasped audibly.
“We’re going to focus on what works and dump the rest like yesterday’s garbage,” Tan reportedly announced while chugging his fifth espresso. “Revolutionary concept, I know. We’re calling it ‘Making Actual F@#king Money’ – our board just approved this strategy last week.”
INTEL’S BOLD NEW APPROACH: TRYING NOT TO GO BANKRUPT
Industry analyst Dr. Chip Powers noted that Intel’s strategy represents a dramatic shift. “For years, Intel’s business model has been ‘let’s watch NVIDIA eat our lunch while we develop products nobody wants.’ This new ‘not hemorrhaging cash’ approach is quite the deviation.”
According to made-up statistics hastily compiled for this article, Intel has spent approximately $47.8 billion on projects that have the market appeal of gas station sushi. Sources close to the matter report that 89% of Intel executives couldn’t actually explain what half their divisions even do.
FOUNDRY FOCUS OR FOUNDRY FAILURE?
Tan emphasized doubling down on Intel’s chip foundry work, a business where they’re currently getting their assets handed to them by TSMC. “We’re only about seven years behind our competitors, which in tech years is basically a century,” said Professor Irma Delusional, chair of Lost Causes at the University of Obvious Outcomes.
The plan also includes recruiting “quality engineering talent,” a strategy insiders describe as “trying to hire people who actually know what they’re doing for a change.”
“We’re going to offer competitive salaries, excellent benefits, and the opportunity to work for a company that might not exist in five years,” said Intel’s new Head of Recruitment, Ms. Hope Springs.
EMPLOYEES REACT TO NEW DIRECTION
Intel employees are reportedly thrilled about the new direction. “I’ve been working on a project for three years that I’m pretty sure nobody in management understands,” said one anonymous engineer. “Finding out we’re cutting non-core assets is actually a relief. I can finally stop pretending this thing will ever make money.”
Another employee who wished to remain anonymous added, “I work in a division that hasn’t turned a profit since Bush was president. The first Bush.”
According to 104% of economists surveyed, Intel’s chances of successfully pivoting are “somewhere between ‘snowball in hell’ and ‘actually pretty decent if they stop doing stupid sh!t.'”
At press time, Tan was reportedly seen wandering Intel’s campus with a clipboard, pointing at random departments and muttering “keep, sell, burn to the ground” while financial advisors trailed behind him weeping softly into spreadsheets.
