DESPERATE INTEL BEGS JAPANESE SUGAR DADDY FOR POCKET CHANGE, PROMISES TO “DO BETTER THIS TIME”
In what experts are calling “the tech equivalent of moving back in with your parents at 45,” Intel has secured a $2 billion investment from SoftBank, officially making the Japanese conglomerate Intel’s fifth largest investor and de facto therapist.
THROWING MONEY INTO THE VOID
SoftBank, known for its strategic investment philosophy of “f@#k it, let’s see what happens,” has decided that Intel’s plan to “maybe not suck at chipmaking anymore” is worth billions of dollars. This comes after Intel has spent years watching competitors like NVIDIA soar to stratospheric heights while Intel executives apparently played Minesweeper on Windows 95 machines.
“We’re incredibly excited about this partnership,” said Intel CEO Pat Gelsinger, while visibly trembling and clutching a stress ball shaped like a microchip. “Two billion dollars is exactly what we need to catch up to companies that have been eating our lunch, dinner, and midnight snack for the past decade.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN WITH OBVIOUS CONCERN
Dr. Chip Burnitall, professor of Corporate Desperation at the University of Financial Last Resorts, shared his analysis: “Intel asking SoftBank for money is like asking your drunk uncle for relationship advice. Sure, he might give you something, but is it what you need? Probably not.”
According to completely made-up statistics, Intel has a 78.3% chance of turning this investment into a fancy new campus water feature rather than actual competitive technology. Meanwhile, an astounding 94.7% of tech analysts surveyed said “LOL” when asked about Intel’s revival prospects.
THE AMERICAN DREAM: OUTSOURCING FINANCIAL RESPONSIBILITY
The investment is being framed as a patriotic effort to “revive US chipmaking,” which translates roughly to “we realized letting Asia make all our critical technology might have been a teensy bit shortsighted.”
SoftBank founder Masayoshi Son reportedly told associates, “Americans are adorable when they think they can still manufacture things,” before signing the check while simultaneously investing in seventeen different AI-powered dog walking startups.
WHAT $2 BILLION ACTUALLY BUYS
For context, $2 billion in the semiconductor industry is approximately enough to build half a fabrication facility, or as industry insiders call it, “a really expensive foundation with some nice signage.” Intel plans to use the funds to implement its groundbreaking “Maybe We Should’ve Been Doing This All Along” strategy.
“This investment is a drop in the bucket compared to what we need,” admitted anonymous Intel executive Ima Screwed. “But it’s enough to keep the lights on while we figure out how to compete with companies that didn’t spend the last decade congratulating themselves for inventing computers in the 1970s.”
At press time, Intel was reportedly already designing a commemorative plaque for the $2 billion, which sources say will be installed on a fancy new executive bathroom that somehow costs $1.9 billion to construct. God bless American innovation.
