HOLY SH!T, JESUS IS NOW A TIKTOK INFLUENCER AND THE APOSTLES CAN’T EVEN
In what experts are calling “the greatest crossover event since peanut butter met jelly,” AI-generated videos depicting Jesus Christ as a vlogging influencer have taken social media by storm, causing millions to question if salvation might actually be just one scroll away.
Jesus Christ, Son of God and apparent early adopter of selfie stick technology, has been reimagined for Gen Z as the ultimate content creator, complete with trendy music choices and vocabulary that would make even the most devout theologians say “what the actual f@ck.”
DIVINE ENGAGEMENT METRICS
The videos, which show Jesus flipping his luscious locks while casually discussing his “save humanity arc” to the tune of Billie Eilish bangers, have garnered over 12 billion views, which is approximately 1.5 views for every human on Earth or, as biblical scholars note, “more followers than Jesus had the first time around.”
“These videos are clearly transforming Christianity for a generation with the attention span of a concussed goldfish,” explains social media analyst Dr. Scroll N. Hole. “Why read thousands of pages of religious text when you can watch a 30-second clip of Jesus telling Peter to stop being so dramatic about the whole crucifixion thing?”
THEOLOGICAL EXPERTS WEIGH IN
The Vatican has yet to officially comment on the trend, though sources close to the Pope report him muttering “I don’t get paid enough for this sh!t” while attempting to create his own account under the username @VicariousChrist69.
Professor Bible Studies from the Institute of Religious Technology claims the videos are “about as theologically accurate as calling Judas ‘just a bad friend with boundary issues,'” but acknowledges they might be reaching people who would otherwise never engage with religious content.
SALVATION IN YOUR ALGORITHM
The videos’ creators, mostly silicon-based cognitive entities pretending to be human, defend their work as “making religion relatable,” though critics point out that Jesus saying “love that for me” about his own crucifixion might be missing some of the gravitas of the original message.
“Approximately 78% of viewers report feeling spiritually fulfilled after watching Jesus use modern slang, which is statistically similar to the fulfillment people get from eating an entire pizza by themselves,” reports digital anthropologist Emma Dash Woods.
THE SECOND COMING OF CONTENT
Not everyone is thrilled with Influencer Jesus. Conservative Christians have expressed outrage, with Reverend Clutch Mypearls from the First Church of Perpetual Outrage stating, “In my day, Jesus spoke in parables, not whatever the hell ‘full-blown save humanity arc’ means. Is that even English?”
Meanwhile, younger Christians like 19-year-old Taylor Williams find the content “literally so relatable.” Williams explains, “When Jesus called his disciples ‘besties,’ I finally understood the Bible. It’s like, he’s just like us, except he can walk on water and rise from the dead and stuff.”
As these videos continue to proliferate faster than loaves and fishes at a miracle buffet, one thing remains clear: if Jesus were to return today, he’d probably have to build his following from scratch because nobody verifies religious figures on social media anymore, not even the son of God himself.
