ALABAMA LEGAL TEAM USES IMAGINARY LAWYER AI TO DEFEND STATE’S “STABBY TIME ADVENTURE PRISON”
In a groundbreaking display of legal innovation that has shocked exactly no one, Alabama has been caught paying millions to a law firm that apparently thought “legal research” meant “asking a calculator with delusions of grandeur to make sh!t up.”
PRISON STABBINGS NOW CLASSIFIED AS “EXTREME ACUPUNCTURE THERAPY”
Frankie Johnson, an unwilling participant in Alabama’s revolutionary “get stabbed a lot” rehabilitation program, complained about being turned into a human pincushion approximately 20 times while residing at the William E. Donaldson Correctional Resort and Spa.
“Mr. Johnson fails to appreciate our cutting-edge correctional philosophy,” said Warden Dick Pointsworth (who we just made up). “Each stabbing is actually an opportunity for personal growth and ventilation improvement.”
HANDCUFFED TO SUCCESS
In what prison officials are calling “supervised independent study,” Johnson was thoughtfully handcuffed to a desk and abandoned by guards, creating the perfect educational environment for a fellow prisoner to administer five additional stab wounds.
“We call it our ‘Stay Put and Get Cut’ program,” explained Dr. Stabb N. Dashaway, Alabama’s Director of Innovative Prisoner Ventilation. “It’s proven 100% effective at creating holes where there weren’t holes before.”
LAW FIRM DEFENDS REVOLUTIONARY “MAKE IT THE F@#K UP” LEGAL STRATEGY
Butler Snow, the law firm defending Alabama’s prison system, has pioneered an exciting new legal approach: citing cases that don’t exist from courts that never ruled on them. Legal experts are calling it “completely f@#king illegal” and “the kind of thing that gets you disbarred and possibly jailed.”
“We’ve moved beyond traditional constraints like ‘reality’ and ‘actual law,'” said fictional Butler Snow attorney Chad Lawbreaker. “By harnessing the power of digital hallucination technology, we can now cite precedents from any timeline or parallel universe.”
ALABAMA TAXPAYERS THRILLED TO FUND IMAGINARY LEGAL DEFENSE
A recent poll shows that 94% of Alabama taxpayers are “absolutely f@#king thrilled” to pay millions for AI-generated legal gibberish. The remaining 6% were too busy being stabbed in prison to respond.
“I personally love that my tax dollars are going to lawyers who can’t be bothered to do the minimum requirements of their job,” said Birmingham resident Karen Nonexistent. “It really reinforces my faith in the system.”
JUDGES CONSIDERING NEW “ARE YOU F@#KING KIDDING ME?” LEGAL STANDARD
The judicial community has responded to Alabama’s innovative legal approach by creating a new standard of review known as the “Are You F@#king Kidding Me?” test.
“When a state’s attorneys submit briefs clearly written by a sentient toaster with a law degree from nowhere, we now have a formal process for throwing them out of court,” explained Supreme Court Justice We’reMakingThisUp.
In related news, Butler Snow has announced plans to defend its next case using quotes exclusively from “Judge Judy: The Lost Episodes” and a legal brief written entirely in Klingon. Alabama has already approved another $5 million payment.
