MAN WHO’S BEEN WRONG ABOUT QUANTUM COMPUTING FOR DECADES “SUPER CONFIDENT” HE’LL BE RIGHT THIS TIME
IBM executive who couldn’t predict what he’d have for lunch accurately announces quantum breakthrough that’s definitely real this time, pinky swear
ARMONK, NY — In what experts are calling “technically words arranged in a sentence,” IBM announced yet another quantum computing breakthrough that will absolutely, positively deliver fully functional quantum computers by 2029, unless of course it doesn’t.
“I’m more comfortable than ever about our 2029 delivery timeline,” said IBM Quantum Computing Chief Dr. Hopesprings Eternal, who has previously been “extremely confident” about timelines in 2016, 2020, and 2025, all of which have quietly slipped by like your ex pretending not to see you at the grocery store.
WHAT THE F@#K IS QUANTUM COMPUTING ANYWAY?
According to IBM’s press release, quantum computers use “quantum bits” or “qubits” that can be both 0 and 1 simultaneously, much like how IBM’s promises can be both “revolutionary breakthrough” and “complete bullsh!t” at the same time.
The company claims their new “fault-tolerant” system overcomes the crippling error rates that have plagued quantum computing since its inception. Previously, quantum computers were so error-prone they made Windows Vista look like a paragon of stability.
EXPERTS WEIGH IN, MOSTLY WITH SIGHS
“IBM’s announcement is truly groundbreaking,” said Professor Wilting Paycheck, who coincidentally receives substantial research grants from IBM. “Their error-correction techniques have reduced quantum computing errors from ‘total catastrophic failure’ to merely ‘mostly wrong,’ which in the quantum world counts as a Nobel Prize-worthy achievement.”
Independent analyst Dr. Cynthia Bullsh!tDetector offered a different perspective: “Quantum computing has been ‘just around the corner’ since I was in grad school. I’m now collecting Social Security.”
IBM’S REVOLUTIONARY TIMELINE KEEPS REVOLVING
According to 97.8% of absolutely made-up statistics, IBM has announced “revolutionary quantum breakthroughs” approximately every 18.3 months since 1997, each time pushing the timeline for practical quantum computing just a bit further into the future.
“Look, developing a quantum computer is exactly like renovating your kitchen,” explained IBM spokesperson Chad Metaphor. “You start with a reasonable timeline, then reality sets in, and suddenly you’re eating microwave burritos for five years while promising your spouse it’ll be done ‘any day now.'”
PRACTICAL APPLICATIONS REMAIN THEORETICAL
When pressed about actual applications for their quantum computer, IBM representatives mentioned drug discovery, climate modeling, and financial optimization, all of which could theoretically be helped by quantum computing if it actually worked, which it doesn’t.
“Our quantum computer will revolutionize everything from cryptography to materials science,” said IBM’s head of Vague Promises, Jessica Handwave. “Just don’t ask us for specifics, timelines, or any examples of problems we’ve actually solved better than classical computers.”
As of press time, IBM executives were seen practicing saying “more comfortable than ever about our 2034 delivery timeline” with straight faces, just in case.
