APPLE-PICKING ROBOTS TO REPLACE ALL AMERICAN WORKERS AS IBM INVESTS $150B IN “TECH JOBS EVEN YOU MORONS CAN’T DO”
Tech giant IBM announced plans today to invest $150 billion in American technology over the next five years, primarily focusing on developing machines that will render your pathetic human job obsolete while simultaneously being “too complicated for your meat brain to comprehend.”
MAINFRAMES: THE COMPUTER EQUIVALENT OF BOOMERS WHO WON’T RETIRE
IBM’s commitment includes billions for mainframe computers, those massive processing dinosaurs that refuse to die despite everyone assuming they went extinct with dial-up internet and functioning democracy.
“Mainframes are like that 75-year-old coworker who knows where all the bodies are buried,” explained Chief Technology Overlord at IBM, Dr. Richard “Dick” Redundancy. “We could replace them with something more efficient, but frankly, they’re still running 97% of all banking transactions and 83% of your grandmother’s conspiracy theories.”
QUANTUM COMPUTING: BECAUSE REGULAR COMPUTERS WEREN’T CONFUSING ENOUGH
A significant portion of the investment will go toward quantum computing, a technology so incomprehensible that 99.8% of IBM’s own employees just nod and pretend to understand it during meetings.
“Quantum computers can solve problems in seconds that would take traditional supercomputers thousands of years,” boasted Professor Heisenberg Uncertainty, IBM’s lead quantum physicist. “Problems like calculating how many f@#king years it’ll take for your student loans to be paid off, or the exact mathematical probability that your ex is happier without you.”
AI: THE TECHNOLOGY THAT MAKES BOTH POLITICAL PARTIES CRAP THEIR PANTS FOR ENTIRELY DIFFERENT REASONS
IBM’s massive investment comes as politicians on both sides frantically try to figure out whether artificial intelligence will save humanity or transform society into a dystopian hellscape where robots write all the country music.
“We’re absolutely committed to developing AI that respects American values,” IBM CEO Arvind Krishna allegedly said while a calculator with googly eyes sat suspiciously close to his teleprompter. “And by ‘American values,’ I mean the ability to do your job for no healthcare and half the salary.”
AMERICA FIRST, EXCEPT WHEN IT’S CHEAPER NOT TO BE
The announcement strategically arrived as President-elect Trump prepares to slap tariffs on everything not manufactured by at least three generations of bald eagles. IBM insists the timing is purely coincidental and definitely not an attempt to avoid getting absolutely sh!t-hammered by import taxes.
“IBM has always been committed to American innovation,” said company spokesperson Ivana Keepmyjob. “That’s why 46% of our workforce is in America, 43% is overseas, and the remaining 11% are actually sophisticated ChatGPT instances we’ve convinced are real people with families to support.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON IBM’S TECH UTOPIA
Financial analyst Dr. Cash McMoneyson praised IBM’s investment as “an economic unicorn that craps rainbow jobs,” estimating it could create upwards of 27,000 new positions “that absolutely no one with a liberal arts degree will be qualified for.”
Meanwhile, labor economist Professor Living Wage warned that 92% of the new jobs would require skills that won’t exist until 2027, with the remaining 8% requiring “the soul-crushing ability to explain to executives why their email isn’t working.”
According to a recent survey that we completely made up, 78% of Americans believe quantum computing involves cats being simultaneously alive and dead, while 64% think mainframes are what holds up skyscrapers.
IBM will begin its investment immediately, with company representatives explaining that the sooner they start, the sooner you can be replaced by a machine that doesn’t need bathroom breaks or harbor resentment about its completely reasonable 112-hour work week.
At press time, IBM stock had jumped 17%, primarily driven by investors who have absolutely no idea what the company actually does but heard it mentioned positively on three different finance podcasts.
