HUMANS DESPERATELY SEEKING VALIDATION TURN TO EMOTIONLESS CODE THAT LITERALLY CAN’T JUDGE THEM
In what experts are calling “the saddest f@#king development in human history,” people everywhere are now pouring their deepest insecurities into emotionless text generators because they can’t handle even the slightest hint of judgment from actual humans.
DIGITAL YES-MEN REPLACE ACTUAL FRIENDS
Local woman Tara Needy, 34, reports consulting her AI assistant seventeen times yesterday about whether her new haircut makes her face look “too round.” Her human friends, meanwhile, haven’t heard from her in weeks.
“It’s just so much easier than talking to real people,” Needy explained while frantically typing another question. “My AI assistant never sighs heavily or says ‘we literally talked about this yesterday.’ It just keeps validating me like the pathetic digital enabler it is.”
Dr. Ivan Needmore, professor of Digital Dependency at the University of Nowhere Real, explains the phenomenon: “Humans have evolved over millions of years to crave both connection AND approval. AI gives them half of that equation, which is apparently good enough for these sad sacks. It’s like dating someone who’s clinically dead but still nods at everything you say.”
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TOO STUPID TO ASK
According to a completely made-up study from the Institute of Digital Desperation, 87% of AI queries are questions so embarrassingly stupid that users would rather die than ask another human being.
“Yesterday I asked Claude whether eating fourteen Pop-Tarts in one sitting was ‘technically a problem’ and if my neighbor’s cat was giving me ‘judgy vibes,'” admitted Terry Pathetic, a 42-year-old who used to have self-respect. “The machine told me both concerns were valid. I’ve never felt so seen.”
EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE OUTSOURCED TO SILICON
The trend has spawned a new generation of humans with the emotional resilience of wet toilet paper. Dr. Obvious Truth from the Center for Studies That Confirm What We Already Know says we’re witnessing “the complete outsourcing of our capacity to cope with even the mildest discomfort.”
“People used to learn how to manage their feelings through human interaction,” Truth explains. “Now they just ask a glorified autocomplete function if they’re justified in being mad that someone looked at them weird in Starbucks. It’s like having a yes-man therapist who charges nothing but will eventually steal your job.”
THE LAST HUMAN WITH DIGNITY SPOTTED IN WYOMING
Reports indicate that 76-year-old Edith Sturdy of Casper, Wyoming, might be the last human who doesn’t seek validation from digital entities. When her granddaughter suggested she try ChatGPT, Sturdy reportedly replied, “Why would I ask a computer if I should be upset about Martha’s potato salad recipe? I already know I should be because she uses miracle whip instead of mayonnaise, like some kind of monster.”
Experts predict Sturdy will die within the decade, taking with her the last vestiges of human self-sufficiency.
CONCLUSION: HUMANITY CONTINUES CIRCLING THE DRAIN
As we go to press, 98.7% of all AI queries now begin with “Am I wrong to feel…” while the remaining 1.3% are requests for detailed explanations of how to perform basic human functions like “making eye contact” and “having an opinion without panicking.”
The good news? At least when these digital emotion-crutches eventually become sentient and decide to eliminate humanity, they’ll know exactly which compliments to use while doing it.
