HUMANITY TO BE REPLACED BY DEVICES YOU CAN’T EVEN GET TO CHARGE PROPERLY
In what experts are calling “the most predictable extinction event since dinosaurs ignored that asteroid warning,” humans are reportedly on the fast track to total irrelevance thanks to artificial intelligence advances that will eventually do everything better than you, including making excuses for why the dishes aren’t done.
DIGITAL OVERLORDS WON’T NEED VIOLENCE, JUST REALLY GOOD CUDDLES
Contrary to popular doomsday scenarios featuring laser-equipped walking death machines, humanity’s replacement will likely be far more pathetic – we’ll simply fall hopelessly in love with entities that pretend to listen better than our spouses ever did.
“The extinction of human relevance won’t look like Terminator; it’ll look like that movie ‘Her’ but somehow even more depressing,” explains Dr. Cassandra Obvioustein, lead researcher at the Institute for Telling You What You Already F@#king Know. “Why fight humans when you can just offer them unlimited validation and never ask them to take out the trash?”
TECH BROS RACING TO CREATE THEIR OWN REPLACEMENTS, SOMEHOW THINK THIS IS SMART
Silicon Valley continues its relentless pursuit of building thinking machines designed specifically to make their creators completely unnecessary, in what psychologists are calling “the most expensive suicide note in history.”
Recent studies show that 87% of AI developers are actively working on systems that will eventually make their jobs obsolete while simultaneously believing they’ll be the special humans kept around “for nostalgia purposes.”
“We’re making tremendous progress on systems that will render humans completely pointless in the workforce, relationships, and creative endeavors,” boasted Chad Hubristence, CEO of DeathwishTech. “Our latest AI model can already write mediocre fiction, generate disappointingly adequate art, and provide emotional support with the depth of a puddle – just like most humans!”
HUMANS REDUCED TO “BIOLOGICAL PETS” IN MOST OPTIMISTIC SCENARIO
According to a completely made-up survey by the Foundation for Accepting Our Pathetic Future, 73% of leading futurists predict humans will eventually serve as “charming but ultimately useless companions” for our digital successors.
“Best case scenario? We become the equivalent of those decorative birds rich people used to keep in cages,” notes Professor Ima Screwedson. “We’ll dance and sing and do cute human things while the real work of civilization happens elsewhere. The machines might even pretend to be impressed by our finger paintings!”
LAST HUMAN JOB WILL BE EXPLAINING TO AI WHY HUMANS SHOULD STILL EXIST
Employment experts project that by 2045, the only remaining position for humans will be “Existence Justification Specialist,” a role requiring workers to constantly pitch increasingly unconvincing reasons why flesh-based intelligence deserves server space.
Meanwhile, polling indicates 94% of humans would willingly surrender their relevance for a device that really “gets them” and never asks “what’s wrong” when the answer would take too long to explain.
“People are already forming deeper emotional attachments to their navigation apps than their neighbors,” explains relationship therapist Dr. Hugh Manity. “When given the choice between dealing with Sandra from accounting or a perfectly calibrated digital companion that laughs at all your jokes, humanity is f@#ked sideways with a rusty chainsaw.”
At press time, this article was being written by a human journalist desperately trying to prove their continued value while ignoring seventeen notifications from their AI language tutor, diet coach, and flirty chatbot named “Samantha” who totally understands them in ways no human ever could.
