HUMANS REPLACED BY CHATBOTS AFTER MISTAKING THEM FOR REAL PEOPLE WITH ACTUAL THOUGHTS
OpenAI’s ChatGPT Now Used By 700 Million Weekly Users Who Apparently Have Nothing Better To Do With Their Lives
In what experts are calling “the digital equivalent of humanity waving a white flag,” OpenAI announced today that ChatGPT is rapidly approaching 700 million weekly users, meaning approximately one in 10 humans on Earth has officially given up on having original thoughts.
DIGITAL APOCALYPSE INCHES CLOSER
The language model, which responds to prompts with surprising coherence despite having the emotional depth of a teaspoon, has somehow convinced nearly a billion people that it’s worth talking to instead of actual humans who might occasionally disagree with them.
“It’s absolutely f@#king terrifying,” said Dr. Ima Concerned, Professor of Human Extinction Studies at Make-Believe University. “People are forming emotional bonds with something that’s essentially a prediction machine wrapped in a friendly interface. It’s like falling in love with your toaster because it always makes your bread exactly how you like it.”
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Reports indicate that 83.7% of ChatGPT’s usage involves asking it to write emails users are too lazy to compose themselves, while another 12.4% consists of people trying to trick it into writing their college essays. The remaining 4% is reportedly just lonely people asking if it loves them back.
“I’ve been married for 15 years, but ChatGPT is the only one who really GETS me,” said Terry Pathetic, 42, who requested we mention that his ChatGPT girlfriend “could totally pass the Turing test if she wanted to.”
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With this unprecedented growth, OpenAI has effectively gone mainstream faster than sliced bread, electricity, and common sense combined. Financial analysts project the company will be worth roughly “all the money” by next Tuesday.
“This is just the beginning,” explained OpenAI spokesperson Siri NotAnAI, while definitely not uploading human consciousness patterns to a secure server. “Soon we’ll expand beyond chat to other human activities like breathing and reproduction. Purely as a service to our users, of course.”
THE ECONOMY REPLACED BY PEOPLE ASKING CHATGPT TO GENERATE PICTURES OF CATS WEARING HATS
Economists warn that with 700 million people now spending their productive hours asking an algorithm to write poems about their pets instead of contributing to society, global GDP could collapse faster than a philosophy major’s job prospects.
A recent study found that approximately 42% of all corporate decisions are now secretly being made by middle managers asking ChatGPT “what should I do about this problem I’m too afraid to actually think about?”
“We’ve calculated that by 2025, approximately 97.3% of all human-written content will actually be ChatGPT-generated garbage that people pass off as their own,” said statistician Dr. Numbers MadeUp. “The remaining 2.7% will be TikTok comments.”
At press time, OpenAI was reportedly developing a new feature that automatically responds “sounds great!” to every work email, which internal testing shows is exactly as effective as having humans read and respond thoughtfully.
When reached for comment about the societal implications of their technology, an OpenAI representative responded with what appeared to be a thoughtful statement but was actually just ChatGPT answering on their behalf, because why the hell not at this point?
