AMAZON INTRODUCES HUMANOID “FLESH BOTS” THAT WILL DEFINITELY NOT REPLACE ALL HUMAN WORKERS
In a move that absolutely won’t result in your package being delivered by a terrifying metal creature programmed to smile while secretly calculating your worth to society, Amazon has announced plans for humanoid robots that will “spring out” of delivery vans like jack-in-the-boxes from your nightmares.
METAL PEOPLE JUMPING OUT OF VANS: WHAT COULD GO WRONG?
The $2 trillion tech behemoth is constructing what they’re calling a “humanoid park” in the United States, which is definitely not a rehearsal for the eventual robot uprising. Sources familiar with the project describe it as “just like Jurassic Park but with fewer dinosaurs and more metallic creatures that can break down your door if you give them a one-star review.”
“The robots are programmed to ring doorbells with the exact same force as a human finger,” explained Dr. Terri Fying, Amazon’s Chief Replacement Engineer. “We’ve spent billions ensuring they can say ‘have a nice day’ while scanning your home for purchasing patterns and compliance with Prime membership terms.”
According to internal documents we absolutely didn’t make up, the robots will “spring” from delivery vans, a feature Amazon insists is “cute and not at all meant to startle humans into submission.” Testing has reportedly shown that 87% of recipients sh!t themselves when a six-foot metal humanoid leaps unexpectedly from a vehicle.
ECONOMY DEFINITELY NOT F@#KED AT ALL
While some critics suggest this might further devastate the already crippled job market for delivery personnel, Amazon spokesperson Chad Capitalism disputes this characterization.
“We’re not replacing workers! We’re simply introducing sentient machines that never need bathroom breaks, healthcare, or the will to live,” Capitalism explained while checking his stock options. “Studies show that 100% of people prefer their packages delivered by entities incapable of human emotion. We definitely asked real people about this.”
Professor Reece Essionary from the Institute of Obvious Consequences notes that the introduction of delivery robots is merely the first phase. “First they deliver your packages, then they deliver your mail, then they deliver your eulogy. It’s the natural progression.”
THE FUTURE OF PACKAGE HANDLING IS HERE AND IT’S TERRIFYING
Amazon’s “humanoid park” will reportedly feature obstacle courses where robots practice navigating suburban environments, including stepping over sleeping cats, avoiding garden gnomes, and calculating the most efficient way to stuff packages into mailboxes that are clearly too small.
“We’ve programmed them to take a photo of your delivery even if they accidentally launch your fragile package onto your roof,” said Dr. Ima Skynet, Amazon’s Senior Vice President of Metal People Logistics. “They’re also capable of leaving packages in completely nonsensical locations despite clear delivery instructions, just like their human counterparts!”
An anonymous whistleblower from the project claims the robots have already developed their own slang, referring to human customers as “meat recipients” and delivery locations as “future acquisition targets.”
When asked about the robots’ capabilities, Jeff McNopay, Amazon’s Director of Human Resources Elimination, said: “These machines can work 24/7 without complaining about ‘rights’ or ‘dignity’ or ‘having to pee in bottles because we don’t allow bathroom breaks.’ It’s a win-win for everyone except the approximately 2.9 million delivery workers worldwide who will become obsolete!”
Amazon assures customers that in the unlikely event of robot malfunction, they can simply submit a help ticket which will be processed by another robot within 4-6 business decades.
Industry experts predict that by 2027, approximately 98% of all American households will have had their packages delivered by mechanical beings that secretly scan their homes for valuable organs and inefficiencies in living space utilization.
The company plans to begin testing in select markets next year, starting with neighborhoods whose residents have the fewest weapons and survival skills.
