Techno-Wizard Hired to Finally Teach Computers How to Understand Humans, Likely Wishes Them Luck

In what has been heralded as a breakthrough equivalent to teaching cats to dial 911, MIT has gleefully announced its newest visiting innovation scholar, Frida Polli, to attempt the audacious feat of making computers and humans, gasp, “play nice.”

With a CV longer than most people’s Amazon wish list, Polli’s role is to bridge the ever-widening gap between artificial intelligence’s incomprehensible logic and humans’ chaotic ways of living. Experts suggest this will involve dishing out IQ points to algorithms, while simultaneously attempting to shoehorn empathy into silicon circuits.

“We’re hoping Frida can manage the impossible: humanize AI without AI realizing it now has an existential crisis,” reveals Dan Huttenlocher, dean at MIT Schwarzman College of Computing. “We want computers to interact with humans without causing another Skynet situation. Frankly, we’re hedging our bets on someone like Frida who managed to survive both academia and startups without going utterly bonkers.”

Polli’s background reads like a science fiction protagonist’s origin story. From decoding the human brain’s mysteries to concocting groundbreaking tech startups, she’s lived multiple lifetimes in one. Her companies have been leading breakthroughs such as algorithmic bias law, aimed at making sure your toaster doesn’t discriminate against your bread. “We want to ensure algorithms understand that gluten-free and rye are both valid lifestyle choices,” she asserted.

“We are unreasonably lucky,” states Sendhil Mullainathan, a fellow academic battery-charger, not hiding the fact that having Polli is like landing a gigabyte of upgrade for a floppy disk. “She’s managed to combine entrepreneurship with intellect while maintaining her composure in front of machines that could easily hack a human’s temper.”

One of Polli’s optimistic missions is teaching computers not just to compute, but to care. “I want algorithms that can see past their cold 0s and 1s and, maybe, contemplate the meaning of life, or just why people freak out during a Zoom freeze mid-presentation,” she explained.

As MIT enters this innovative era promising to turn bits and bytes into buds and pals, the anticipation builds. There’s no saying what magic Polli will conjure, but here’s hoping it doesn’t involve a DDoS attack disguised as a love letter.