HUMANITY’S LAST HOPE AGAINST ROBOT APOCALYPSE SUDDENLY REALIZES MONEY EXISTS, ABANDONS PRINCIPLES
OpenAI, the company once dedicated to saving humanity from digital extinction, has apparently discovered the existence of “profit” and decided it sounds way more fun than preventing the collapse of civilization.
CASH REGISTERS RING AS DOOMSDAY CLOCK TICKS
In a move shocking absolutely no one with a functioning brain stem, OpenAI executives are contemplating abandoning their non-profit status faster than tech bros abandon Twitter when Elon says something problematic. The company, originally founded to ensure AI development wouldn’t kill us all, is now reportedly thinking, “What if we made a sh!t-ton of money instead?”
Former employees, Nobel Prize winners, and people who’ve watched literally any sci-fi movie ever made are raising concerns that this might be, in technical terms, “a really f@#king terrible idea.”
DR. OBVIOUS EXPLAINS THE BLEEDING OBVIOUS
“Turning the organization meant to protect humanity from unregulated AI development into a profit-hungry corporation is like hiring a pyromaniac to guard your gasoline collection,” explained Dr. Cassandra Whocares, professor of Apocalyptic Studies at the University of I-Told-You-So.
According to completely made-up statistics, 97.8% of all world-ending scenarios begin with someone saying “but think of the shareholder value!” Studies show that corporate safeguards against catastrophic outcomes have a half-life shorter than a Kardashian marriage when profit enters the equation.
INVESTORS EXCITED TO FUND THEIR OWN DESTRUCTION
Venture capitalists are reportedly “tumescent with excitement” at the possibility of investing in what could become either humanity’s greatest achievement or the thing that turns us all into paperclips.
“Look, we’ve run the numbers, and even if there’s a 99% chance this leads to human extinction, that 1% chance of 10,000x returns makes it totally worth it,” said Tyler Moneypants, managing partner at Death Wish Capital.
SAFEGUARDS SCHMAFEGUARDS
When asked about what would happen to OpenAI’s safety protocols under a profit model, spokesperson Jennifer Platitude assured reporters that “Nothing would change, except for all the things that would definitely change.”
According to sources familiar with the matter, the company’s new safety motto will be “Move Fast and Break Reality.”
ELON MUSK SOMEHOW MAKES THIS ABOUT HIMSELF
Former OpenAI board member and professional attention-seeker Elon Musk weighed in by tweeting something contradictory at 3am, then getting into arguments with random accounts with anime avatars.
“I’ve always said AI could destroy humanity, which is why I created my own AI company instead,” Musk clarified, before announcing plans to implant AI chips directly into human brains because “what could possibly go wrong?”
COMPETING COMPANIES FEIGN CONCERN WHILE SALIVATING
Rival AI firms expressed “deep concerns” about OpenAI’s potential pivot while simultaneously accelerating their own development timelines.
“We are deeply troubled by this prioritization of profit over safety,” said Claude Cashgrabber, CEO of Anthropic, while signing off on plans to remove his company’s AI’s last remaining ethical constraints. “Anyway, who wants to see our new model that can convince anyone of anything?”
EXPERTS RECOMMEND ENJOYING SUNSETS WHILE THEY LAST
In conclusion, experts recommend backing up your favorite memories, making peace with your loved ones, and accepting that humanity’s final downfall came not from nuclear war or climate change, but from some Stanford graduates who really wanted a bigger yacht.
Reports indicate the company’s new mission statement will simply read: “OpenAI: Because Frankenstein’s monster needed better monetization strategies.”
