HUMANITY OUTSOURCES EXISTENCE TO CHATBOTS; BILLIONS NOW JUST LYING IN BED WAITING TO DIE
In what experts are calling “the laziest goddamn thing since the invention of the TV dinner,” humans worldwide have begun offloading all their thinking, creating, and experiencing to artificial intelligence, leaving them with unprecedented free time they’re using to stare blankly at walls.
LOCAL MAN HASN’T FORMED ORIGINAL THOUGHT SINCE 2023
Terry Wilkins, 34, proudly showed us his “productivity system” which consists of asking digital text generators to handle everything from his work emails to birthday messages for his mother.
“Why would I waste time crafting a heartfelt message when I can just type ‘write loving birthday note to mom who raised me’ and be done with it in seconds?” said Wilkins, who hasn’t experienced genuine human connection in approximately 18 months. “I’m saving so much f@#king time!”
When asked what he does with all this saved time, Wilkins blinked rapidly for 47 seconds before responding, “I mostly ask it to suggest hobbies I might enjoy, then feel too tired to try them.”
EXPERTS WARN OF “OUTSOURCED SOUL SYNDROME”
Dr. Ima Fraudster, head of the newly established Department of Not Doing Sh!t Yourself at Harvard University, warns we may be approaching an “existential cliff.”
“When people stop engaging in the messy, time-consuming acts of learning and creating, they’re essentially volunteering for a lobotomy with extra steps,” explained Fraudster. “We’ve documented a 357% increase in people who can’t remember if they’ve actually visited Paris or just used AI to plan a theoretical trip there.”
DATING SCENE COLLAPSES AS COUPLES EXCHANGE AI-GENERATED SWEET NOTHINGS
The efficiency plague has spread to relationships, with 78% of dating app messages now written entirely by algorithms. Local couple Jamie and Alex recently discovered they’d been in a two-year relationship conducted entirely by their respective chatbots.
“We met for coffee last week and realized we had absolutely nothing to say to each other,” said Jamie. “Turns out we both had our digital assistants handling all our texting, sexting, and argument resolution. It was the first time we’d actually communicated directly.”
ARTISTS REPLACE CREATIVITY WITH PROMPT ENGINEERING
The art world has been particularly hard hit, with galleries now filled with works bearing titles like “Sunset over mountains with emotional impact, trending on ArtStation.”
“Why spend years developing a unique style when I can just describe what I want and let the silicon do the sweating?” said former painter Miguel Chen, who now calls himself a “prompt architect.”
“I used to paint for 12 hours a day. Now I spend 11 hours and 55 minutes crafting the perfect prompt and 5 minutes selecting which output to sign my name to.”
TIME SAVED PREDOMINANTLY USED FOR SCROLLING, EXISTENTIAL DREAD
Research from the Institute of Where Did My Life Go shows that 94% of time saved through AI assistance is immediately reinvested in scrolling social media or contemplating the empty void of modern existence.
Professor Noam Oregrets of the institute notes, “People claim they’re using AI to free up time for ‘what really matters.’ Our data shows what really matters is apparently watching other people’s vacation reels while lying in bed eating chips directly over their face.”
HUMANITY REACHES PEAK EFFICIENCY: DOING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING OF VALUE FASTER THAN EVER
As AI continues to “help” with everything from writing cover letters to composing music, society approaches what economists call “peak uselessness” – the theoretical point at which humans contribute zero original content to civilization while maintaining the delusion they’re still participating.
“The truest innovation of our time,” says social psychologist Dr. Obvious Truth, “is how we’ve managed to remove all the difficult, time-consuming aspects of being human, like learning, thinking, and creating, while preserving the truly essential activities: consuming content and complaining about being unfulfilled.”
When pressed about the long-term implications of outsourcing our humanity, Dr. Truth simply sighed and said, “Would you like me to ask an AI to generate a thoughtful response to that question? It’ll only take seconds.”
