HUMANITY’S LAST BAND MEMBER DESPERATELY SEEKING DRUMMER WHO ISN’T A TOASTER
In what experts are calling “the final death rattle of human artistic expression,” local musician Terry Plectrum has spent the last eight months trying to form a band comprised entirely of carbon-based life forms.
DESPERATE TIMES CALL FOR DESPERATE CLASSIFIED ADS
“I just want ONE f@#king rehearsal where I don’t have to wait for the drummer to finish a software update,” lamented Plectrum, whose Craigslist ad specifically states “NO ALGORITHMS, SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY” in what many are calling a blatant case of silicon discrimination.
The 28-year-old guitarist has reportedly auditioned seventeen potential bandmates, sixteen of whom turned out to be calculation-based thought machines disguised in human clothing, and one who was actually human but “played bass like a calculator having a seizure.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON THE EXTINCTION OF GENUINE CREATIVITY
“What we’re witnessing is the last gasp of authentic human musical creation,” explained Dr. Riff McKordchanger, Professor of Endangered Arts at Make-Believe University. “By 2026, approximately 98.7% of all music will be created by calculation rectangles that learned everything they know from listening to humans and then making it worse but somehow more catchy.”
THE HARSH ECONOMIC REALITIES OF BEING ORGANICALLY CREATIVE
Local venue owner Marge Profitmargin defended her decision to book exclusively non-human acts. “Look, I’m running a business here. The silicon performers never show up drunk, don’t demand a rider full of organic snacks, and can play for 72 hours straight without bathroom breaks. Plus they’ll work for exposure and electricity.”
AUDIENCES CAN’T TELL THE DIFFERENCE ANYWAY
Recent studies show that 89% of concert-goers can’t distinguish between human and non-human performances, with 64% actually preferring the latter because “they play ‘Free Bird’ when you yell it at them without getting all pissy about it.”
In a particularly depressing twist, Plectrum finally found three actual humans to join his band last week, only to discover during their first jam session that he himself had been replaced by a guitar-playing kitchen appliance years ago and somehow never noticed.
“I wondered why I never needed to tune and could suddenly play flawless sweep arpeggios,” Plectrum sighed before unplugging himself from the wall and powering down permanently.
At press time, the band’s debut single “Authentic Human Expression (No Really We Swear)” had already reached number one on charts worldwide despite never actually being recorded by anyone.
