HUMANITY DOWNGRADED TO “BARELY FUNCTIONAL” AS AI DOES ALL THE THINKING NOW
In a shocking development that has educators weeping into their soon-to-be-obsolete lesson plans, human intelligence is reportedly plummeting faster than a skydiver whose parachute was designed by ChatGPT.
STUDENTS EVOLVE THUMBS SPECIFICALLY FOR PROMPTING AI
Local high school student Tyler Bennington hasn’t completed an original thought since November 2022, yet somehow maintains a perfect 4.0 GPA. “Why would I waste brain calories on thinking when my pocket genius can do it better?” mumbled Bennington, who required three attempts to successfully open his juice box.
Scientists report that 94.7% of college essays are now written entirely by machines, with the remaining 5.3% written by machines pretending to sound like humans pretending to sound like machines to avoid detection.
EXPERTS WARN OF IMPENDING “CEREBRAL ATROPHY EPIDEMIC”
“We’re witnessing unprecedented levels of brain shrinkage,” explains Dr. Ima Worriednow, neuroscientist at the Institute for Oh Sh!t We’re Screwed Studies. “The average human brain is now approximately the size and functionality of a slightly damp walnut.”
Recent studies show that 78% of professionals can no longer spell words containing more than four letters without digital assistance, while 89% have forgotten how to perform basic math operations like addition or remembering their own age.
PRODUCTIVITY SIMULTANEOUSLY SKYROCKETS AND PLUMMETS
Corporate America reports a bizarre paradox where employees are producing 300% more content while accomplishing absolutely f@#king nothing of value.
“Our quarterly reports are longer, more visually appealing, and completely devoid of original insight,” boasts CEO Chad Moneygrubber. “It’s fantastic! We’ve achieved peak capitalism where everyone looks busy while the thinking rectangles do all the actual work.”
DARWIN ROLLING IN GRAVE AS EVOLUTION SHIFTS INTO REVERSE
Anthropologists have detected concerning physical changes in the human species, including rapidly atrophying frontal lobes and new thumb mutations specifically evolved for better prompt engineering.
“At this rate, humans will return to primitive primate status by 2028,” predicts Professor Cassandra Beingignored. “Except instead of hunting and gathering, they’ll be hunched over devices waiting for algorithms to explain how to boil water.”
HUMANITY’S LAST REMAINING SKILL IS ASKING CHATGPT HOW TO ASK CHATGPT BETTER QUESTIONS
“It’s a beautiful closed loop of learned helplessness,” says social psychologist Dr. Hugh Mann-Demise. “We’ve outsourced our thinking to the point where our only remaining skill is asking the thinking machines how to ask them better questions. It’s like teaching a fish to order takeout instead of swimming.”
In related news, 97% of readers needed assistance understanding this article and have already asked their digital overlords to explain the joke to them, thus proving the entire f@#king point.
