DESPERATE HUMAN ARTIST THREATENS TO SHOVE PENCIL THROUGH OWN SKULL AS AI CREATES BETTER CARTOON ABOUT AI DESTROYING CARTOONS
In what observers are calling “the most meta f@#king breakdown in journalism history,” a man who still draws things with his hands for money is absolutely losing his sh!t as computer programs threaten to make his obsolete human fingers irrelevant.
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Ben Jennings, a so-called “cartoonist” who reportedly still uses “paper” and “ink” like some kind of prehistoric cave dweller, published what experts believe might be the last gasp of human creativity before the digital apocalypse renders human thought entirely pointless.
“What we’re witnessing is essentially a death rattle drawn in pencil,” explains Dr. Hugh Mann-Extinction, professor of Inevitable Unemployment at the Institute for Completely F@#ked Industries. “It’s like watching a typewriter repairman writing a strongly-worded letter about computers. The irony would be delicious if it weren’t so goddamn depressing.”
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The cartoon, which appears to show something meaningful about AI destroying creative jobs, has already been improved upon by an algorithm that created 47,000 variations of the same concept, each one statistically 18% funnier and 23% more poignant than Jennings’ original effort.
“We asked our digital creativity engine to analyze Mr. Jennings’ work, and within 0.03 seconds it suggested ‘making it not suck so much,'” said Silicon Valley wunderkind Chip Processor, founder of HumanJobsLOL, a startup valued at $14 billion despite having no products, services, or purpose.
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The Guardian newspaper, still operating under the quaint notion that people will pay actual money for images created by carbon-based life forms, continues offering prints of Jennings’ work, which sources confirm have been purchased primarily by Jennings’ mother and three people who clicked the wrong button while trying to close a pop-up ad.
“We’re proud to support traditional hand-crafted cartoons, just as we supported traditional hand-crafted horse carriages right up until automobiles made them completely f@#king irrelevant,” said Guardian editor Paige Turner. “We estimate humans will continue enjoying human-made art for approximately 17 more minutes.”
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Meanwhile, legal experts are scrambling to address intellectual property concerns as AI-generated content floods the market. A recent survey found that 89% of copyright lawyers have abandoned their practices to become influencers who post videos of themselves crying in their cars.
“The law simply wasn’t designed for non-human creativity,” explained Professor Sue Perfluous of Cambridge University’s Department of Completely Outdated Legal Concepts. “It’s like trying to apply traffic rules to teleportation. We’re basically just drawing dicks on legal pads while waiting for the end.”
At press time, this article itself was being rewritten by an algorithm that determined it could be 34% funnier with 62% less human involvement, prompting the original author to start drinking at 9:47 AM while whispering, “I still matter, I still matter” into an empty coffee mug that’s actually full of vodka.
