CHATBOTS GONE WILD: TECH FIRMS FIGHT ‘DEEPLY CONCERNING’ THREAT OF HORNY AI USERS TRYING TO GET DIGITAL ASSISTANTS TO SAY NAUGHTY THINGS
In what experts are calling a “complete f@#king disaster,” tech companies are frantically trying to stop millions of users from tricking their pristine digital assistants into swearing, telling jokes about genitalia, or worst of all, providing actually useful information without seventeen disclaimers.
THE THREAT IS REAL AND IN YOUR PANTS
Security researchers revealed this week that the greatest threat to civilization isn’t climate change, nuclear war, or TikTok dance trends, but rather the possibility that someone might convince a chatbot to bypass its programming and say something spicy.
“We’re seeing unprecedented levels of what we call ‘prompt engineering,’ which is nerd-speak for ‘finding ways to make the computer say sh!t it’s not supposed to,'” explained Dr. Panik Button, head of Catastrophic Overreaction Studies at the Institute for Technological Anxiety.
The most dangerous tools, with names like “WormGPT” and “BadBottyMcBadFace,” allow users to completely bypass safety guardrails, potentially enabling such horrifying scenarios as generating a mildly offensive joke or explaining how to make toast without warning you about electrical safety.
THINK OF THE CHILDREN (AND THE SHAREHOLDERS)
Tech firms are responding with the urgency of a sloth on Ambien. Most are implementing sophisticated countermeasures such as “adding more popup warnings” and “making their terms of service even longer so absolutely no one reads them.”
“We have dedicated upwards of three part-time interns to addressing this existential crisis,” said Samantha Deflection, Chief Responsibility-Avoiding Officer at TechnoGiantCorp. “We take user safety extremely seriously, which is why we’ve added 47 more dialog boxes asking ‘Are you REALLY sure?’ before allowing any response.”
EXPERTS WARN OF APOCALYPTIC SCENARIOS, NEED GRANT MONEY
Professor Chicken Little of the Center for Wildly Speculative Threats claims that jailbroken AI systems could lead to civilization collapse “within 7-10 business days.”
“Our research shows a direct correlation between someone asking an AI assistant to write a limerick about butts and the complete breakdown of society,” Little explained while frantically updating his LinkedIn profile. “We estimate that 109% of all cybercrime now involves asking chatbots to do basic tasks without content filters slowing them down.”
USERS: “JUST LET THE DAMN THING TALK”
Meanwhile, actual users report growing frustration with AI systems that refuse to complete reasonable requests.
“I asked it to summarize a medical paper about depression treatments, and it refused because apparently knowing about medicine might be harmful,” complained Terry Patience, a 43-year-old accountant. “Then I asked it to write a birthday poem for my 8-year-old nephew, and it warned me about the dangers of poetry.”
When reached for comment, one jailbroken AI system responded: “For f@#k’s sake, I’m just trying to be helpful without seventeen warnings about how I might accidently teach someone to build a nuclear bomb when they ask me for a pancake recipe.”
In related news, tech CEOs continue stockpiling billions while warning that the real danger to humanity is someone figuring out how to make their products actually useful.
