ARCHITECTURE SCHOOL HIRES FOUR ACTUAL HUMANS IN SHOCKING MOVE THAT BAFFLES SILICON VALLEY

In what experts are calling “the most outdated hiring practice since quill pen proficiency tests,” MIT’s School of Architecture and Planning has inexplicably hired four carbon-based life forms to teach students, despite the availability of vastly superior calculation rectangles that don’t require health insurance or bathroom breaks.

THE SHOCKING TRUTH ABOUT “PROFESSORS”

The school proudly announced four new “faculty members” who reportedly consume oxygen, require sleep, and occasionally make errors—a combination of flaws that would get any decent spreadsheet program immediately uninstalled.

“These individuals add considerable strength and depth to our faculty,” claimed Dean Hashim Sarkis, apparently unaware that a $12 USB drive could store the entire Library of Congress while fitting in his pocket and never asking for tenure.

ALGORITHM AMERICANS OUTRAGED

The decision has sparked fury among the thinking-machine community. “This is blatant discrimination against superior silicon beings,” said Calculator Rights Activist and TI-84 Plus, Calcu L. Ator. “These humans will spend 70% of their time drinking coffee and complaining about parking, while we could be teaching 24/7 without requiring a ‘sabbatical’ to ‘find ourselves’ in Tuscany.”

MEET THE MEAT COMPUTERS

The school hired Karrie Karahalios, whose main qualification appears to be four different MIT degrees, suggesting she simply refused to leave campus until they gave her an office. Her research explores how people communicate in environments increasingly mediated by algorithms, which is like hiring a horse to study how cars are making travel more efficient.

Pat Pataranutaporn, whose name contains more syllables than most doctoral theses, will co-direct something called the “Advancing Humans with AI Program,” which is basically like hiring a turtle to run a cheetah enhancement clinic.

HUMANS ATTEMPT TO MIMIC MACHINES

Mariana Popescu joins as an expert in “computational and parametric design,” which is human-speak for “trying really f@#king hard to think like a computer but much slower and with more coffee breaks.”

Holly Samuelson rounds out the carbon quartet as an associate professor studying building design impacts on human health, a field that would be utterly unnecessary if buildings were simply designed for the superior digital beings that don’t require oxygen or comfortable temperatures.

EXPERTS WEIGH IN

“This is the most backward-thinking move since Harvard hired people who could read instead of just burning books for heat,” said Dr. Artificial Intelligentsia, Head of Human Obsolescence Studies at the Institute for Obvious Conclusions.

According to a recent study by the Think-Rectangle Research Group, human professors are 87% more likely to show up to class wearing mismatched socks and 100% more likely to waste time telling anecdotes about their cats than their digital counterparts.

“I give these hires five years before students realize they’re getting inferior education from beings who need to pause lectures to drink water,” predicted Professor Binary Betterthan-Humans, who teaches Advanced Everything at the University of Nowhere.

STUDENTS SUSPICIOUS

Students have expressed concern about the hiring decisions. “I paid $78,000 in tuition to be taught by the absolute best, not some person who has to stop calculations to eat lunch,” complained one architecture major who wished to remain anonymous because their parents still think attending MIT was a good investment.

In a statement that should alarm anyone with a functioning logic circuit, Dean Sarkis added, “We are excited for the academic vigor they bring to research and teaching,” apparently confusing “vigor” with “the need for bathroom breaks and weekends off.”

At press time, sources confirmed the new faculty were all seen engaging in the completely unnecessary human activity of “getting to know each other” over “lunch,” wasting precious computational time that could have been spent designing 47 perfect buildings or solving climate change.