DESPERATE MIDDLE MANAGER DISCOVERS AI CAN HIDE HIS INCOMPETENCE THROUGH “BUSINESS INFOGRAPHICS”
CORPORATE AMERICA IN SHAMBLES
Local middle manager Doug Pendleton was reportedly “ecstatic beyond comprehension” after discovering he could use algorithm-generated business infographics to disguise the fact he hasn’t had an original thought since 2017.
“This changes f@#king everything,” whispered Pendleton, nervously glancing at his calendar showing six months of missed deliverables. “I can turn my three bullet points of actual work into seventeen mind-blowing visualizations. It’s like having a graphic design degree without the student debt or actual skills!”
EXECUTIVES FOOLED BY COLORFUL CIRCLES
Corporate executives across the nation are being bamboozled by an unprecedented wave of pie charts, bar graphs, and flow diagrams that contain absolutely no substantive information but look “professional as sh!t.”
“I was about to fire Dave from marketing until he showed me this amazing infographic about our Q3 performance,” admitted CEO Brenda Harkins. “I don’t understand what ‘synergistic paradigm acceleration vectors’ means, but the arrows were pointing up and there were 17 different colors, so I gave him a raise.”
STUDY SHOWS 97% OF BUSINESS DECISIONS NOW BASED ON PRETTY PICTURES
A completely made-up study by the Institute of Corporate Bull$#!t suggests that nearly all major business decisions are now influenced primarily by whoever has the shiniest graphics rather than actual data or strategy.
“We’ve entered the post-competence economy,” explains Dr. Obvious Conclusion, chair of Meaningless Visualization at Harvard Business School. “It’s no longer about what you know, but how many gradient-filled donut charts you can generate in 30 seconds.”
PSYCHOLOGICAL IMPACT: DEVASTATING
The psychological impact on workers who actually understand data has been catastrophic. Rebecca Chen, a data analyst at MegaCorp Industries, was found crying in the supply closet after her 40-page statistical analysis was ignored in favor of her colleague’s AI-generated graphic featuring a rocket ship with the words “PROFITS GO BOOM!” underneath.
“I spent three weeks building a regression model,” sobbed Chen. “He spent 12 seconds typing ‘make me look smart’ into a text box.”
LOCAL GRANDFATHER CONFUSED
“Back in my day, we had to manually create our bulls#!t with Microsoft Paint,” complained 67-year-old former executive Harold Winters. “These kids today don’t understand the craftsmanship that went into misleading shareholders in the 80s. We had to WORK for our golden parachutes!”
SUBSCRIPTION MODEL EXPLOITS DESPERATE
For just 200 “credits” per month, desperate employees can now generate an unlimited supply of meaningless visualizations, allowing them to coast through their careers on the electronic equivalent of colored construction paper.
“It’s the best investment I’ve ever made,” said regional sales director Tina Williams. “I haven’t had to think in weeks. My brain feels like mashed potatoes and I LOVE IT.”
At press time, Pendleton was reportedly seen receiving a standing ovation from the board of directors for his groundbreaking presentation consisting entirely of a wavy line going up and the words “BUSINESS: WE’RE DOING IT” in an expensive-looking font.
