NATION’S DOCTORS HIDING BEHIND FORTRESS OF RECEPTIONISTS, PATIENT FORCED TO PERFORM EMERGENCY SELF-SURGERY WITH YOUTUBE TUTORIAL
In what experts are calling the “most impossible achievement since world peace,” local man Patrick Sheehy has spent the last four years attempting to schedule a doctor’s appointment, only to be repeatedly thwarted by what can only be described as the healthcare equivalent of Mordor’s defenses.
MEDICAL GATEKEEPING REACHES NEW HEIGHTS
The nation’s GPs have reportedly fortified their practices with an impenetrable wall of receptionists, phone systems designed by sadists, and appointment slots that mysteriously vanish faster than government promises. Patients are now required to prove their illnesses are legitimate by performing a series of increasingly difficult tasks, including solving three riddles, bringing the receptionist the golden fleece, and explaining why they’re “really” sick while a panel of judges holds up score cards.
“We’ve found that requiring patients to call precisely at 8:00:00 am, not a millisecond before or after, really helps us weed out those who aren’t truly committed to their health journey,” said Dr. Neva Available, spokesperson for the Royal College of General Practitioners. “If they can’t dedicate 4-6 hours to repeatedly dialing our number, do they really deserve medical attention?”
THE IMMORTALITY PARADOX: TEA DRINKERS SHOCKED TO LEARN THEY WILL STILL DIE
In related news, tea enthusiasts across Britain are reeling from the revelation that their beloved beverage won’t, in fact, grant them eternal life. Despite a recent study suggesting that tea consumption may lower the risk of “even death,” astute reader Tom Uprichard has blown the lid off this scientific oversight by pointing out the uncomfortable truth that mortality remains stubbornly at 100%.
“I’ve been drinking PG Tips for 67 years,” said Margaret Brewster, 89, visibly distressed while clutching her favorite mug. “Are you telling me I wasted all that time dunking biscuits for nothing? I could’ve been doing heroin!”
MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS RESPOND
Professor Obvi Ouslie, head of Mortality Studies at Make-Believe University, weighed in on the controversy: “Our research indicates that despite tea’s ability to remove heavy metals from water, it cannot, in fact, remove the crushing inevitability of your eventual demise. We’re as f@#king disappointed as anyone.”
The NHS has now updated its tea-drinking guidelines to include the disclaimer: “May reduce risk of stroke and dementia, but you’re still going to die, you absolute moron.”
APPOINTMENT BOOKING SOLUTIONS
For those still desperate to see a medical professional, underground “appointment brokers” have emerged, charging upwards of £500 to secure coveted slots with actual doctors.
“I had to sell my car, but I finally got to show someone my mysterious rash,” said one patient who wished to remain anonymous. “Turns out it was just eczema, but the doctor only had time to look at it for 3.7 seconds before asking if I had any other completely unrelated health issues they could ignore.”
THE WAY FORWARD
The Department of Health has introduced a new “Extreme Medical Ninja Warrior” course, where patients who complete a brutal obstacle course while listing their symptoms may win the chance to speak with a nurse practitioner for up to 4 minutes.
“We believe this represents a significant improvement in access,” said Health Secretary Ida Givafuck. “Statistics show that 97.2% of illnesses resolve themselves if you just wait long enough, either through healing or death, both of which conveniently remove you from our waiting lists.”
As the crisis continues, reports indicate that 86% of Britons have now given up entirely and returned to medieval healing practices involving leeches, prayer, and extensive Google searches at 3 am.
“On the bright side,” noted one health official who requested anonymity, “you can’t complain about the appointment system if you can never get an appointment to complain about it.”
