ZUCKERBORG DEPLOYS MONEY CANNON AT OPENAI STAFF, ALTMAN THROWS TANTRUM
In a shocking display of tech billionaire territorial p!ssing, OpenAI’s Sam Altman is absolutely losing his sh!t after Mark Zuckerberg tried to seduce OpenAI’s top researchers with obscene piles of cash reportedly large enough to choke a silicon valley unicorn.
RICH MAN UPSET OTHER RICH MAN USING MONEY
Speaking on his brother’s podcast, a venue selected for its complete lack of challenging questions, Altman lambasted Meta’s recruitment strategy of literally backing up the money truck to OpenAI employees’ homes.
“It’s f@#king crazy,” Altman reportedly whined while sitting on his own mountain of investor cash. “They’re offering our people $100 million just to jump ship. What kind of innovation strategy is that?”
According to Dr. Capitalism Works-Both-Ways, professor of Obvious Economic Principles at the University of No Sh!t Sherlock, “When you create a company valued at billions based on other people’s genius, sometimes those geniuses realize they can get paid elsewhere. It’s a revolutionary concept called ‘the job market.'”
FACEBOOK CREATOR DISCOVERS ACTUAL USE FOR MONEY
Meta’s strategy of “paying people what they’re worth” has sent shockwaves through Silicon Valley, where the preferred compensation model involves vague promises of “changing the world” while founders cash out billions.
“Meta’s approach to innovation is clearly flawed,” said Altman, whose own company’s innovation strategy apparently involves taking $13 billion from Microsoft and then acting surprised when they expect something in return.
Inside sources at Meta report that Zuckerberg, upon hearing Altman’s complaints, briefly demonstrated a human-like emotional response before his face reset to factory settings.
EMPLOYEES SHOCKED TO DISCOVER THEIR ACTUAL VALUE
OpenAI researchers, previously unaware they were worth nine-figure sums, are reportedly updating their LinkedIn profiles and practicing saying, “Actually, I’ve always been passionate about Meta’s vision” with a straight face.
“I’m just innovating my bank account,” said one anonymous OpenAI researcher who suddenly realized his kid’s college fund could include purchasing an actual college.
Meta spokesperson Jessica Placeholder defended the company’s approach: “We’ve tried developing our own revolutionary AI technology, but turns out it’s easier to just buy OpenAI’s intelligence. It’s like shopping at Whole Foods instead of growing your own organic vegetables, except the vegetables cost $100 million and can code.”
According to a completely fabricated survey, 97.8% of tech workers would instantly leave their current jobs if offered enough money to fund their own space program.
At press time, Altman was reportedly frantically googling “how to make non-compete agreements retroactive” while simultaneously drafting a company-wide email about the importance of loyalty, purpose, and other things that don’t pay mortgages.
