STORAGE EXECUTIVE DISCOVERS AI, IMMEDIATELY DECLARES HIMSELF SUPREME EXPERT ON ALL TECHNOLOGY
In a shocking twist that surprised absolutely no one, a storage executive who just learned what AI stands for last Thursday has positioned himself as the definitive voice on enterprise AI deployment, sharing his “groundbreaking insights” that were definitely not copied from the first page of Google search results.
COST SAVINGS SO DRAMATIC THEY MIGHT ACTUALLY BE HALLUCINATIONS
According to Storage McStorageFace, AI services have apparently cut inference costs by “up to 100x” in two years, a statistic he definitely didn’t misread from a consultant’s slide deck while half-asleep during a Zoom call. When pressed on what “inference” actually means, the executive reportedly mumbled something about “computer thinking stuff” before quickly changing the subject.
“The savings are unprecedented,” claimed Dr. Obvious Bullsh!t, chief technology evangelist at MadeUpMetrics Inc. “We’re seeing companies save literally billions of dollars on processes they never even knew they needed automated. It’s like finding money in your pants pocket, if your pants were made of pure speculation and venture capital tears.”
ENTERPRISES RUSH TO ADOPT TECHNOLOGY THEY DON’T F@#KING UNDERSTAND
With $30 billion pouring into AI investments, companies everywhere are scrambling to implement solutions to problems they haven’t identified yet, using technology their executives can’t explain.
“We’ve deployed sixteen different AI systems across our infrastructure,” boasted Chadwick Moneypants, CTO of MidtierCorp. “Do we know what they do? Absolutely not. Has productivity improved? Who the hell knows! But our stock price went up 4%, and that’s all that matters to my yacht payment plan.”
DEPLOYMENT CHALLENGES INCLUDE “HAVING NO CLUE WHAT WE’RE DOING”
The report carefully outlines several critical deployment challenges, primarily including “technical competence” which approximately 97.3% of companies currently lack, according to a survey we just made up.
Professor Idon Tcare of the Institute for Stating the Bloody Obvious notes, “The biggest challenge companies face is hiring people who understand the technology while simultaneously refusing to pay them what they’re worth. It’s a bold strategy, Cotton. Let’s see if it pays off.”
THE STORAGE ANGLE: BECAUSE SOMEONE HAS TO SELL MORE HARD DRIVES
“All this AI requires storage,” explained the executive, demonstrating a grasp of technology roughly equivalent to noting that cars require wheels. “Lots of storage. The most storage. Storage like you wouldn’t believe. Have I mentioned storage enough times to make you want to buy some?”
Industry analysts predict that by 2025, approximately 82% of enterprise storage will be dedicated to storing AI models that executives ordered implemented but no one actually uses, while the remaining 18% will contain PowerPoint presentations explaining why the AI projects failed.
At press time, the storage executive was reportedly drafting his next groundbreaking thought leadership piece: “Computers: They Use Electricity and That’s Pretty Neat.” Silicon Valley is already buzzing with anticipation.
