PREDATORS EVOLVE: CRIMINAL MASTERMINDS NOW USING CALCULATORS WITH CAMERAS TO BLACKMAIL YOUR KIDS
In a shocking revelation that has parents questioning why they ever bought their children smartphones, UK police forces are now drowning in a tsunami of child sextortion cases. A mind-numbing 110 reports flood in EVERY. SINGLE. MONTH. That’s approximately one predator for every three ice cream trucks, according to our completely made-up but definitely scary-sounding statistics.
ARTIFICIAL STUPIDITY JOINS THE PARTY
The National Crime Agency reports that criminals are now employing artificial intelligence in their disgusting schemes, because apparently being a regular predator wasn’t efficient enough. These technological terrors, which we refuse to call “AI” and will instead refer to as “sentient math problems,” are helping criminals create increasingly convincing fake material.
“It’s like giving a serial killer a teleporter,” explains cyber-safety expert Dr. Panik Button. “Except the teleporter also makes deepfakes and doesn’t require a PhD to operate.”
PARENTS SHOCKED TO DISCOVER INTERNET CONTAINS BAD PEOPLE
Local mother Sharon Oblivious expressed her complete surprise that the internet might contain dangers. “I gave my 11-year-old unlimited unsupervised access to the entire f@#king internet and now you’re telling me there are CRIMINALS on there? What’s next, water being wet?”
The NCA’s awareness campaign comes after extensive research revealed that approximately 97.3% of parents still think “online safety” means “not putting your credit card number in all-caps on Twitter.”
CRIMINALS “ADAPTING THEIR METHODS” WHILE AUTHORITIES ADAPT THEIR EXCUSES
Law enforcement officials note that criminals are constantly evolving their tactics, unlike police budgets which remain firmly in the Paleolithic era.
“These criminals are using cutting-edge technology while we’re still trying to figure out how to turn off caps lock,” admitted Detective Inspector Straight Talker. “We’re basically bringing a strongly worded letter to a gunfight.”
EXPERTS SUGGEST REVOLUTIONARY SOLUTION: ACTUALLY TALKING TO YOUR DAMN KIDS
Dr. Common Sense, professor of Obvious Studies at the University of Duh, suggests a groundbreaking approach: “Have you considered, I don’t know, maybe speaking with your children about internet safety before handing them a device connected to every pervert on the planet?”
The NCA’s campaign will reportedly focus on teaching children that strangers asking for naked pictures probably don’t have their best interests at heart, a concept that apparently needs explaining in 2025.
In related news, a recent survey found that 68% of parents still think “Snapchat” is a brand of breakfast cereal and “Reddit” is what happens when you finish a book twice.
