DESPERATE SILICON VALLEY NERD OFFERS LUNCH MONEY TO BUY GOOGLE’S LUNCH TABLE
In what analysts are calling “the tech equivalent of a chihuahua trying to mate with a space shuttle,” AI startup Perplexity has apparently offered Google a pathetic $34.5 billion to purchase the Chrome browser, prompting executives at the search giant to reportedly laugh so hard they accidentally approved three privacy-violating features.
GOOGLE EXECUTIVES CONFUSED WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL SECURITY
“At first, we thought it was a phishing attempt,” said Google spokesperson Cassandra Dataharvestington. “Then we realized it was legitimate, which somehow made it even funnier. It’s like a toddler trying to buy the Pentagon with their piggy bank.”
The offer, which represents approximately what Google CEO Sundar Pichai finds in his couch cushions every Tuesday, has been described by Wall Street analysts as “adorably delusional” and “the financial equivalent of sending d!ck pics to a supermodel.”
MATH IS HARD, ESPECIALLY FOR AI COMPANIES
Professor Financial Realitychek of the Institute for Obvious Business Conclusions explained the mathematical impossibility: “Chrome has roughly 3.5 billion users worldwide. So Perplexity is offering about $9.85 per user. That’s roughly the same as offering to buy Manhattan for the price of a f@cking happy meal.”
According to totally legitimate sources who definitely weren’t hallucinated by this writer, Perplexity CEO Aravind Srinivas made the offer while “high on a dangerous cocktail of venture capital funding and Silicon Valley optimism.”
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO GET GOOGLE’S ATTENTION SUCCEEDS, JUST NOT HOW THEY WANTED
Marketing experts suggest the offer might be less about actually acquiring Chrome and more about getting publicity, a strategy one consultant described as “the corporate equivalent of sending Google a ‘do you like me, check yes or no’ note in homeroom.”
The strategy appears to be working, with Perplexity gaining approximately 42,069% more name recognition overnight, primarily among people saying “Per-what-now? Never heard of them.”
GOOGLE RESPONDS BY ACCIDENTALLY ADDING PERPLEXITY TO SPAM FILTER
When reached for official comment, a Google representative simply sent back a GIF of Dr. Evil from Austin Powers saying “one MILLION dollars” with the caption “you missed some zeros, buddy.”
Industry insiders report that Google’s internal response has been to increase Chrome’s price tag every time Perplexity is mentioned, with the current asking price now hovering around “all the money that has ever existed plus your firstborn child.”
“It’s like watching someone try to buy the entire ocean with a Starbucks gift card that still has $3.50 on it,” said tech analyst Brittany Bullsh!tdetector. “At this point, they’d have better luck offering to trade Google a really cool rock they found.”
In a final desperate attempt to make the deal more attractive, Perplexity has reportedly offered to throw in “a really nice pen” and “unlimited high-fives” to sweeten the deal, which financial experts estimate has increased their offer’s value by approximately zero dollars.
At press time, Google was reportedly considering a counteroffer to buy Perplexity for “whatever loose change is in the company snack room vending machine” plus an expired Google+ invitation.
