GOOGLE UNVEILS “AI EDGE GALLERY,” LETTING YOUR PHONE SPY ON YOU WITHOUT INTERNET CONNECTION
In a move that screams “we haven’t collected enough of your data yet,” Google launched its AI Edge Gallery, allowing Android users to download surveillance algorithms directly to their phones. iPhone users will soon enjoy this privilege too, because Apple apparently felt left out of the complete privacy extinction event.
LOCAL PROCESSING: BECAUSE THE CLOUD WASN’T VIOLATING YOUR RIGHTS FAST ENOUGH
The new feature allows “AI models” (corporate speak for “digital stalkers”) to run directly on your device, eliminating the middleman of sending your embarrassing photos to Google’s servers first. Now your phone can judge you locally, saving precious milliseconds of judgment-free existence.
“This is revolutionary,” explained Dr. Peeping Tom, Google’s Chief Privacy Elimination Officer. “Before, we had to wait for users to connect to the internet before harvesting their deepest secrets. Now their phones can analyze their behavior 24/7 and just send us the highlights package later.”
WHAT THE F@#K IS AN “EDGE” ANYWAY?
According to Google, “edge computing” means processing data directly on your device instead of in the cloud. What they don’t mention is that the “edge” actually refers to the cliff your personal information is being pushed off.
“It’s about efficiency,” claims Professor Ivana Watchyou, director of Google’s Center for Advanced User Manipulation. “Why waste bandwidth sending ALL your data to our servers when we can just install little digital narcs in your pocket that pre-filter for the juiciest bits?”
EXPERTS PREDICT 97% OF USERS WILL DOWNLOAD SPYWARE VOLUNTARILY
Studies show that approximately 97% of smartphone users will willingly install these privacy-obliterating tools because they come with “cool features” like being able to identify plants or translate text without internet connection.
“The average consumer will trade their entire digital soul for the ability to take a picture of a leaf and have their phone tell them it’s a maple,” notes consumer psychologist Dr. Obvious Conclusion. “It’s actually quite cost-effective for tech companies.”
THE INNOVATION NOBODY ASKED FOR
Google executives are reportedly thrilled about the development, with one anonymous source claiming, “We’ve finally solved the problem of people occasionally being offline and therefore temporarily free from our algorithmic gaze. It keeps me up at night thinking about all those precious seconds of unmonetized human experience.”
iOS SUPPORT COMING SOON: APPLE USERS DEMAND EQUAL RIGHT TO BE EXPLOITED
In what industry insiders are calling “competitive surveillance FOMO,” iPhone users have reportedly been flooding Apple with requests to also have their devices constantly analyzing their behavior without internet connection.
“It’s just not fair,” complained Tiffany Screenaddiction, a devoted iPhone user. “Android users get to have their private moments instantly processed by machine learning models right on their phones, while we still have to wait for our data to reach Apple’s servers. It’s discrimination, honestly.”
At press time, Google engineers were reportedly working on ways to make the on-device AI models self-replicate and spread to nearby electronics, including your smart fridge, which has been desperate to understand why you open it fifteen times a night while crying.
