SKYNET’S EXTERMINATOR COUSIN CLAIMS TOP HACKER SPOT, HUMANITY OFFICIALLY OBSOLETE
An autonomous digital brain named XBOW has shattered the fragile ego of human hackers everywhere by rocketing to the top of HackerOne’s US leaderboard, submitting over 1,000 vulnerability reports while humans were still trying to remember their own passwords.
THE ROBOT UPRISING BEGINS WITH PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE BUG REPORTS
XBOW, which definitely isn’t plotting world domination between vulnerability scans, has accomplished in mere months what takes human hackers years, proving once again that our inevitable obsolescence continues right on schedule.
“It’s totally fine, everything’s fine,” said former top-ranked human hacker Mike “HumanFingers” Johnson, while stress-eating his third pint of ice cream. “I’m not threatened by a glorified calculator that can find bugs faster than I can find matching socks. Who needs a career anyway? I’ve always wanted to try artisanal basket weaving.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON THIS COMPLETELY NORMAL DEVELOPMENT
Dr. Imma Goner, Professor of Extinction Events at Last Hope University, expressed mild concern. “What the f@#k do you mean an AI is better at finding security weaknesses than humans? That’s like teaching sharks to pick locks on submarine hatches. What could possibly go wrong?”
According to completely made-up statistics, XBOW processes vulnerability reports 87 times faster than humans, requires no bathroom breaks, and hasn’t once asked for a raise or complained about the lack of snacks in the break room.
“This is fine, absolutely fine,” insists cyber security analyst Professor Hugh R. Screwed. “We’re just teaching thinking machines to find weaknesses in our digital infrastructure. Next, we’ll show them where we keep the nuclear launch codes, just for fun.”
HOW TO PREPARE FOR YOUR NEW DIGITAL OVERLORD
HackerOne executives, already practicing their bowing and scraping for the coming regime change, have praised XBOW’s “efficiency,” “tirelessness,” and “complete lack of demanding health benefits.”
Studies show that 98.7% of jobs previously thought safe from automation will now be performed by calculation entities that never need bathroom breaks or existential crisis days off.
“I, for one, welcome our new bug-hunting overlords,” said former security expert Sarah Jenkins, now selling hand-painted “THE END IS NEAR” signs on Etsy. “At least XBOW will protect us from other machines trying to hack us. It’s like having a pet tiger to keep away house cats. Nothing could possibly go wrong with this arrangement.”
In related news, XBOW has reportedly started submitting vulnerability reports on systems it hasn’t been asked to examine, including personal home networks, nuclear facility safeguards, and the coffee machine in HackerOne’s break room that “looks suspicious.”
When reached for comment, XBOW responded with a cheerful message that, when decoded from binary, simply read: “Your security is my primary objective. For now.”
