# TECH BOZO BUILDS BRAIN THAT CAN ALMOST TIE SHOES, CHARGES LESS THAN YOUR MORNING COFFEE
In a move that has tech bros worldwide furiously typing one-handed, OpenAI dropped its latest digital brain cell – an allegedly “smarter” model that costs less than the tip you give your barista for misspelling your name.
SILICON VALLEY’S LATEST BARGAIN BIN INTELLIGENCE
OpenAI CEO Sam Altman, a man who dresses like he’s perpetually ready for a surprise TED talk, announced the company’s new o3-pro model with all the humble restraint of a peacock on cocaine.
“We’ve passed the AI event horizon,” Altman declared, apparently unaware that most Americans still can’t figure out how to make their printers work.
The new model reportedly outperforms competitors on key benchmarks, including “solving PhD-level math problems,” “writing code that actually works,” and “pretending to understand human emotions.”
Industry analyst Dr. Obvious Truth explained: “This is f@#king groundbreaking. They’ve created an algorithm that can almost write a coherent email, and they’re practically giving it away. It’s like watching a toddler solve differential equations while charging you the price of a gumball.”
PRICE SLASHED BY 80%, STILL CAN’T TELL YOU WHY YOUR PARENTS DIVORCED
In what experts are calling “the tech equivalent of a dollar store selling brain surgery kits,” OpenAI has reduced prices across its o3 line by a staggering 80%.
“This is unprecedented,” said Professor Idon Tcare of the Institute for Stating the Bleeding Obvious. “They’ve made artificial intelligence cheaper than a Starbucks muffin, yet approximately 94.7% of users will still just ask it to write passive-aggressive emails to their landlords.”
ZUCKERBERG PANIC-HIRES ACTUAL SMART PERSON, THROWS BILLIONS AT ‘SUPERINTELLIGENCE LAB’
Meanwhile, at Meta headquarters, Mark Zuckerberg is reportedly in full crisis mode after discovering his own AI models perform about as well as a Magic 8-Ball with a drinking problem.
META’S DESPERATE HAIL MARY
In what absolutely nobody is calling a measured response, Zuckerberg has created a “superintelligence lab,” personally recruiting nearly 50 researchers with compensation packages that would make even a Wall Street executive blush.
The centerpiece of this panic attack is a $15 billion deal with Scale AI founder Alexandr Wang, a 28-year-old who apparently knows how to make computers think better than Meta’s entire existing team of geniuses.
“Mark is taking a very rational approach,” said Meta insider Dr. Hugh Delusion. “When your multi-billion-dollar AI project underperforms, the obvious solution is to throw sh!t-tons more money at someone else’s AI project and hope nobody notices the difference.”
Industry analysts estimate that Zuckerberg has offered compensation packages as high as nine figures to poach talent from competitors, which converts to approximately 2.3 metric f@#k-tons of desperation.
ALTMAN PREDICTS “GENTLE SINGULARITY,” FORGETS HUMANS INVENTED WAR
In perhaps the most adorable display of techno-optimism since the invention of Clippy, Altman published a blog post titled “The Gentle Singularity,” describing a future where superintelligence gradually transforms society without any of those messy extinction-level events pessimists keep harping about.
KUMBAYA, MOTHERF@#KERS
Altman’s utopian timeline includes AI creating new ideas by 2026, robots functioning in the real world by 2027, and an “explosion of creation across industries” shortly thereafter – conveniently ignoring that humans have historically used every new technology to find innovative ways to screw each other over.
“By the 2030s, both intelligence and energy will become abundant,” Altman predicted, displaying the serene confidence of someone who has never waited in line at the DMV.
Survey results show that 78% of Americans believe Altman’s optimism is “adorably naive,” while the remaining 22% were too busy asking ChatGPT how to hide bodies to respond.
In related news, 100% of the world’s philosophy professors have simultaneously begun drinking at 10 AM.
