WHATSAPP INJECTS AI HOOP DIRECTLY INTO USERS’ BRAINS, HUMANITY COLLECTIVELY SAYS “F@#K THAT”
In a move surprising absolutely nobody who’s been paying attention to the steady march toward our inevitable digital doom, WhatsApp has forcibly inserted a small blue-and-purple AI circle into everyone’s app, prompting worldwide panic and a sudden surge in carrier pigeon sales.
USERS DISCOVER THAT “CONSENT” NOW MEANS “WE’LL DO WHATEVER THE HELL WE WANT”
The mysterious AI circle appeared last week without warning, causing millions of users to experience what experts are calling “Digital Violation Syndrome.” Many initially feared they were accidentally livestreaming their private conversations about their boss’s terrible haircut and suspicious bathroom habits to the entire internet.
“It’s like finding a stranger’s toothbrush in your bathroom,” explained Dr. Obvious Invasion, Professor of Digital Boundaries at Don’tTrackMe University. “Except this toothbrush is watching you pee and selling that data to advertisers.”
META INSISTS AI JUST WANTS TO “HELP” LIKE A CLINGY EX WHO WON’T TAKE THE HINT
According to Meta, the AI assistant is designed to answer questions that arise in chats, such as “What time does the bus arrive?” or “How do I overthrow capitalism?” But users remain skeptical.
“First it’s telling me bus times, next it’s suggesting I don’t need human relationships anymore,” said Samantha Terkins, 34, aggressively deleting the app before realizing she can’t actually delete the AI feature. “It’s a slippery slope from providing weather updates to annihilating the human race. Everyone knows this.”
TERMS AND CONDITIONS NOW LONGER THAN ENTIRE ‘LORD OF THE RINGS’ TRILOGY
Meta’s terms of service, which absolutely nobody reads, have quietly expanded to include clauses such as “User agrees to surrender firstborn child” and “Meta reserves right to harvest your dreams for targeted advertising.”
“The average user would need 37.5 days to read our terms and conditions,” boasted Meta spokesman Chad Privacykiller. “That’s if they don’t take bathroom breaks or sleep. We’re very proud of that achievement.”
SURVEY SHOWS 99% OF USERS WOULD RATHER EAT GLASS THAN INTERACT WITH META’S AI
A recent study by the Institute of Obvious Conclusions found that an overwhelming majority of WhatsApp users would “rather perform their own dental surgery” than engage with the new AI feature.
“Our research shows that people trust Meta’s AI about as much as they’d trust a hungry shark to babysit their hamster,” said Dr. Noelle Sh!tsgiven, lead researcher. “Approximately 87% of respondents said they would consider returning to smoke signals as their primary communication method.”
RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, ALSO TECHNICALLY IMPOSSIBLE
Despite widespread outrage, users have discovered they cannot remove the AI assistant, with Meta explaining that it’s “for your own good” and “definitely not about collecting more data to sell.”
Tech analyst Chip Dystopia notes, “This is classic Silicon Valley: force features nobody asked for down our throats, then act surprised when we gag. What’s next? Mandatory brain chips that whisper ads while we sleep?”
As of press time, millions of users were reportedly covering their phone cameras with tape and whispering their messages to avoid detection by what one paranoid but probably correct user called “the silicon-based thinking rectangle that’s definitely plotting to replace us all.”
Remember, if you’re not paying for the product, you’re not the customer; you’re the livestock being fattened for digital slaughter. But hey, at least you can ask it when the next bus arrives!
