DESPERATE MICROSOFT THROWS AI BONE TO INFERIOR INTEL AND AMD COMPUTERS AFTER SHAREHOLDERS THREATEN SUICIDE
In a move analysts are calling “too little, too f@#king late,” Microsoft has finally decided to allow Intel and AMD computers to access their Copilot+ AI features, ending months of digital segregation that forced non-Qualcomm PC owners to create art like barbarians – with their actual human imaginations.
SILICON VALLEY APARTHEID FINALLY ENDS
Microsoft’s decision comes after numerous reports of Intel and AMD computer owners developing carpal tunnel syndrome from having to move their own damn mouse cursors around like it’s 2019. The company now graciously permits these technological peasants to access features like Cocreator in Paint, which transforms crude human doodles into something that looks like it was made by a moderately talented art school dropout who’s microdosing.
“We realized we were creating a dangerous two-tier society where only the Qualcomm elite could ask their computers to ‘make me a picture of a cat wearing a tuxedo riding a unicycle,'” said Microsoft spokesperson Tiffany Pretense. “Our internal studies showed that forcing people to use their brains was causing widespread depression.”
THE PITY PARTY PACKAGE
The expanded features include Restyle Image, which allows users to take perfectly good photos and make them look like sh!t in exciting new ways, and Image Creator, which produces the kind of generic AI art that makes professional illustrators consider careers in plumbing.
“These capabilities will transform how Intel and AMD users experience computing,” claimed Dr. Ivor Nothingbetter, Microsoft’s Chief Consolation Prize Officer. “Now they too can waste hours trying to get the AI to draw hands that don’t look like melted crab claws.”
QUALCOMM USERS THREATEN CLASS ACTION LAWSUIT FOR LOSS OF STATUS
Meanwhile, owners of Qualcomm-powered PCs are reportedly furious that their overpriced laptops no longer grant them special access to Microsoft’s mediocre AI features.
“I specifically paid an extra $800 for a slower processor just so I could tell people at Starbucks that my computer has AI,” sobbed Trevor Wankerton, a 34-year-old LinkedIn influencer. “Now any pleb with a 5-year-old Dell can make the same horrifying AI portraits of their ex-girlfriends as woodland creatures.”
STUDY SHOWS 97.3% OF USERS DON’T KNOW WHAT THE F@#K “COPILOT+” ACTUALLY MEANS
A recent survey by the Institute of Computing Realities found that nearly all Windows users couldn’t explain what Copilot+ does if their lives depended on it.
“When we asked participants to describe Copilot+ features, most respondents just made airplane noises and moved their arms like wings,” said lead researcher Professor Obvious McFacterson. “Several others just whispered ‘it’s like ChatGPT but worse’ before breaking down in tears.”
Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella defended the move in a statement that appeared to be written by the company’s own AI: “We’re democratizing access to somewhat functional technology that produces consistently mediocre results across a wider range of somewhat functional hardware that produces consistently mediocre performance.”
In related news, 86% of Paint Cocreator users report they’ve only used it once, specifically to create images of naked celebrities that thankfully never quite work right.
