BILLIONAIRES UNITE: TRUMP SELLS AMERICA’S DIGITAL CROWN JEWELS TO OIL SHEIKHS WHO DEFINITELY WON’T USE THEM FOR ANYTHING SKETCHY
In what experts are calling “the most spectacular tech yard sale since Steve Jobs sold his kidney for a sandwich,” former and potentially future President Donald Trump has graciously allowed several Middle Eastern autocracies to purchase America’s most advanced technological capabilities for what amounts to “pocket change” in oil baron currency.
THE DEAL OF THE CENTURY, IF THE CENTURY WAS ABOUT MAKING FOUR GUYS RICHER
Trump triumphantly announced several “historic” deals that will allow Saudi Arabia, the UAE, and Qatar to import hundreds of thousands of advanced Nvidia semiconductor chips, essentially giving countries known for their exemplary human rights records the keys to America’s AI kingdom.
“This is the greatest deal in history, possibly ever,” Trump reportedly shouted while high-fiving Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman over a gold-plated negotiation table. “They’re paying us billions, which is basically like three days of oil money for them, but it sounds impressive to my base!”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON WHY THIS IS TOTALLY FINE AND NOT AT ALL CONCERNING
Dr. Sellin Outamerica, Professor of Technological Sovereignty at the University of Common Sense, explained why this is completely rational: “Look, what could possibly go wrong by giving authoritarian regimes the exact same technology that Pentagon officials stay up at night worrying about? It’s not like they’ll ever use it for surveillance, manipulation, or creating digital armies that make 1984 look like a children’s fairy tale.”
The deals, which Trump described as “tremendous for American business,” primarily benefit approximately four American billionaires while potentially compromising national security for the other 330 million citizens who apparently don’t matter as much.
DEMOCRACY FOR SALE, INQUIRE WITHIN
“We call this ‘exporting democracy,'” said Chip Sellount, a State Department official who definitely isn’t eyeing a cushy consulting job in Abu Dhabi next year. “Except instead of democracy, it’s our most sensitive technological capabilities, and instead of exporting, it’s handing them over for cash. So really nothing like exporting democracy at all, but the phrase polls well.”
According to made-up statistics that feel accurate, approximately 97.3% of the profits from these deals will go to CEOs who already have so much money they use hundred-dollar bills as toilet paper, while only 2.7% will trickle down to people who might actually need it.
WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG
The AI campus in Abu Dhabi will be “the largest outside the US,” which experts say is government-speak for “we’ll maintain plausible deniability while they do whatever the f@#k they want with this technology.”
Professor Iwill Regretthis of the Institute for Technological Foresight warns: “Historically, selling your most advanced capabilities to wealthy foreign powers has always worked out great, which is why Britain gave nuclear technology to… oh wait, they didn’t, because that would be insane.”
THE FRIENDSHIP CIRCLE OF VERY NORMAL AND COOL DUDES
The real winners appear to be a small circle of powerful men who have more in common with each other than with their respective citizenries. Trump, MBS, Qatar’s Emir Sheikh Tamim bin Hamad Al Thani, and UAE President Sheikh Mohamed bin Zayed Al Nahyan reportedly spent hours bonding over their shared interests in gold fixtures, absolute power, and not having to listen to the concerns of ordinary people.
“It’s beautiful to see,” said Ivanka Notinvolved, Special Advisor for Making Rich Men Richer. “These leaders understand each other. They all know what it’s like to never hear the word ‘no’ and to have economic systems designed specifically to funnel wealth upward.”
According to sources, the only actual American jobs created by these deals will be for the pilots flying the private jets that tech executives will use to visit their new Middle Eastern partners.
In a final statement that perfectly encapsulates the essence of this historic agreement, Trump concluded: “They get our most valuable technological secrets, we get money that will mostly go to four guys named Elon, Sam, Jensen and Jeff, and the American people get absolutely jack sh!t. God bless the United Arab Emirates of America!”
