LOCAL AUTHOR USES MEDIEVAL TORTURE DEVICE TO FEND OFF DIGITAL OVERLORDS, CLAIMS IT’S “JUST A PENCIL”
In what experts are calling “the most pretentious technological regression since vinyl collectors began sniffing their record sleeves for authenticity,” local author Luke Beesley has reportedly resorted to using a prehistoric writing implement to compose literary works, hoping to prove he hasn’t succumbed to the seductive whispers of artificial intelligence.
THE GRAPHITE RESISTANCE
Beesley, who reportedly began his career by “playing writer” in his father’s ledgers before mastering actual literacy, now claims the simple act of dragging a miniature carbon rod across processed tree carcasses provides an “authentic human experience” that digital composition cannot replicate.
“There’s electricity in it,” Beesley explained while dramatically pausing to sharpen his yellow #2 soldier of truth. “Not actual electricity, of course. That would defeat the whole f@#king point.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON THIS DESPERATE CRY FOR ATTENTION
Dr. Ludd Ite, Professor of Regressive Technologies at the University of Overcompensation, believes this trend may catch on with other threatened creatives.
“What we’re seeing is the literary equivalent of a peacock’s display feathers,” explains Ite. “By using increasingly inconvenient methods of creation, authors can signal to potential mates—I mean readers—that they’ve invested significant time in their work rather than simply asking ChatGPT to ‘write sad book about man who likes pencils.'”
Studies show approximately 94% of authors are now spending more time proving they didn’t use AI than actually writing anything worth reading.
MEMOIR REVEALS CHILDHOOD FETISH FOR OFFICE SUPPLIES
In what can only be described as the least necessary origin story since we learned how Solo cups were invented, Beesley recounts his formative years “scribbling” on empty pages while “surfing feint-ruled lines” in the humid Brisbane air.
“I was essentially masturbating with stationery,” Beesley didn’t actually say but strongly implied.
THE INEVITABLE HIPSTER APOCALYPSE
Publishing insiders predict the anti-AI movement will escalate rapidly, with authors soon abandoning pencils for quills, then stone tablets, before finally just screaming their novels directly into readers’ faces at independent bookstore events that nobody actually attends.
“Next year’s Booker Prize will almost certainly go to someone who carved their entire novel into their own thigh with a rusty paper clip,” predicts literary agent Sandy Wordsmith. “It’s the only way to be sure.”
THE FUTURE OF WRITING IS SOMEHOW ITS PAST
According to industry analyst Penny Pencilpusher, books will soon come with certificates of authenticity listing the number of hand cramps suffered during composition, while AI detection software will be replaced by “sniff tests” where editors physically smell manuscripts for authentic human desperation.
At press time, Beesley was reportedly drafting his next think piece about the spiritual superiority of manual typewriters, blissfully unaware that his pencil was manufactured by a robot-operated factory that’s been generating better poetry than him since 2019.
