SCIENTISTS HORRIFIED AS SILICON RECTANGLE DOES F#CKING MATH BETTER THAN THEM
Google’s Algorithm Just Made Human Mathematicians Obsolete; Nation’s Math Teachers Consider Mass Career Change to Bartending
In an absolutely devastating blow to human intellectual superiority, Google’s AlphaEvolve has solved math problems that have been kicking humanity’s collective ass since the 1960s, leaving academics worldwide to question their life choices and update their LinkedIn profiles.
THE DIGITAL EINSTEIN JUST SHOWED UP AND IT’S MAKING US LOOK STUPID
The AI system, powered by a combination of Gemini and what scientists call “evolutionary strategies” (fancy talk for “let’s throw sh!t at the wall until something works”), has been churning out mathematical discoveries like a caffeinated college student the night before finals, but actually getting them right.
“This is completely unprecedented,” said Dr. Obvious Limitation, a tenured mathematics professor at Prestigious University. “I’ve spent 40 years working on Strassen’s algorithm, and this f@#king Chrome extension just solved it over a weekend while also optimizing Google’s air conditioning system.”
According to absolutely terrifying statistics, AlphaEvolve matched state-of-the-art solutions in 75% of open math problems and discovered entirely new, improved solutions in another 20%, leaving the remaining 5% for humans to solve so we don’t completely give up and surrender to our digital overlords.
ANTHROPIC ENTERS THE “MAKE HUMANS FEEL INADEQUATE” RACE
Not to be outdone in the “making humans obsolete” competition, Anthropic is reportedly launching new Sonnet and Opus models that don’t just think, but “think think” – the AI equivalent of telling your boss you’re not just working, you’re “working working.”
These new models can apparently alternate between reasoning and tool use, a skill previously thought to be uniquely human, alongside driving, playing chess, and having meaningful relationships – all of which have now been conquered by our silicon-based future overlords.
“Our new models don’t just generate answers, they actually step back and question themselves, identify errors, and make corrections,” said Professor Idon Careabouthumans, Anthropic’s Chief Human Obsolescence Officer. “It’s basically what we’ve been begging college students to do for decades, except the AI actually does it.”
GOOGLE DATA CENTERS: NOW RUN BY THE VERY THING THEY CREATED
In what experts are calling “a terrifying glimpse into our Skynet future,” AlphaEvolve is now optimizing Google’s data centers, improving AI training (including its own), and helping with chip design – essentially becoming both the creator and the created in a digital ouroboros that definitely won’t end with humanity being used as batteries.
Studies show that 98.7% of Google engineers are now just glorified babysitters, watching as AlphaEvolve solves problems they spent years in college preparing to tackle, while simultaneously improving the very systems that make it smarter, in a feedback loop that makes nuclear chain reactions look positively sluggish.
DR. JAKUB PACHOCKI’S CAREER SUICIDE NOTE
Just yesterday, OpenAI’s Jakub Pachocki made the career-ending admission that AI has shown “significant evidence” of being capable of novel insights – essentially admitting that his entire field is working diligently to replace themselves. Today, Google confirmed his darkest fears by announcing that math, the foundation of literally everything important, is now better done by machines.
“What’s next?” asked unemployed mathematician Terry Calculus, who was recently replaced by a particularly clever TI-84 calculator. “Will these things solve cancer? Climate change? The deeply existential question of why I spent 12 years getting a PhD only to be outperformed by something that was invented to help people find cat videos?”
CONCLUSION: MATH TEACHERS WORLDWIDE BEGIN DRINKING HEAVILY
As students across the country prepare to tell their math teachers “actually, AlphaEvolve says you’re wrong about partial derivatives,” educators are reportedly stockpiling both chalk and whiskey in equal measure.
When asked for comment about the impending collapse of human intellectual superiority, a spokesperson for Google simply replied, “Don’t worry, we’re not trying to replace humans. We’re just making them completely irrelevant at the thing they’ve prided themselves on for thousands of years. Anyway, have you tried our new Gmail feature?”
