NATION SHOCKED AS MIT ANNOUNCES PLAN TO “MAKE THINGS” AGAIN
In a move that has left economists gasping and Gen Z wondering what “manufacturing” is, MIT yesterday launched what they’re calling the “Initiative for New Manufacturing,” a desperate attempt to remind America that we used to actually build sh!t in this country.
EXPERTS WONDER IF AMERICANS CAN STILL REMEMBER HOW TO USE THEIR HANDS
The ambitious initiative aims to “reinfuse U.S. industrial production with leading-edge technologies,” which translates roughly to “please for the love of God let’s make something other than TikTok videos and anxiety.”
“We want to work with firms big and small, in cities, small towns and everywhere in between,” said MIT President Sally A. Kornbluth, who apparently missed the memo that making physical objects is so last century. “We want to deliberately design high-quality, human-centered manufacturing jobs,” she added, using a phrase that has not been uttered in America since 1983.
INDUSTRY HEAVYWEIGHTS JOIN FORCES TO PRETEND THEY HAVEN’T OUTSOURCED EVERYTHING
Six founding industry consortium members have already joined, including Amgen, Flex, GE Vernova, PTC, Sanofi, and Siemens, companies that are reportedly “very excited” to explore how they can continue to profit while maintaining the absolute bare minimum of American manufacturing jobs.
“There is tremendous opportunity to bring together a vibrant community working across every scale,” said Anantha Chandrakasan, MIT’s chief innovation and strategy officer, who was later seen frantically Googling “what is a factory” and “do people still use hammers?”
WHY NOW? BECAUSE WE’RE F@#KED, THAT’S WHY
The initiative joins MIT’s other desperate attempts to solve existential problems like climate change and artificial intelligence, problems which, coincidentally, might have been less severe if we hadn’t shipped all our manufacturing overseas in the first place.
According to Dr. Obvious Economics, an imaginary expert we just made up, “This is literally MIT saying ‘Hey, remember how we used to be good at making stuff? Maybe we should try that again before China owns everything and we’re all unemployed influencers.'”
FOUR PILLARS OF “HOLY SH!T, WE REALLY MESSED UP”
The initiative focuses on four major themes, which we’ve helpfully translated from academic-speak:
1. “Reimagining manufacturing technologies and systems” – Figuring out how to make things when all your engineers have only ever used CAD software
2. “Elevating the productivity and experience of manufacturing” – Making factory work not completely soul-crushing
3. “Scaling new manufacturing” – Convincing venture capitalists that hardware companies deserve funding too
4. “Transforming the manufacturing base” – Begging Americans to consider jobs that don’t involve sitting at a desk
REAL FACTORIES REQUIRED FOR PROGRAM SUCCESS, MUCH TO EVERYONE’S SURPRISE
The initiative plans to establish new labs for developing manufacturing tools and a “factory observatory” program which immerses students in actual factories, a concept so foreign to most American youth that 87% of MIT students reportedly asked if factories would have good WiFi and cold brew on tap.
“The rationale for growing and transforming U.S. manufacturing has never been more urgent than it is today,” said Suzanne Berger, one of the initiative’s co-directors, in what historians are calling “the understatement of the f@#king century.”
WORKFORCE EDUCATION NECESSARY BECAUSE AMERICANS FORGOT WHAT WRENCHES ARE FOR
Perhaps most alarming is the initiative’s focus on workforce education, tacitly admitting that Americans have become so disconnected from making physical objects that we need to be retaught how to build things from scratch.
Professor Idon Tcare of the Department of Obvious Conclusions notes, “After four decades of telling kids that success means getting a computer job and never touching a tool, we’re shocked to discover that nobody knows how to make anything. Who could have possibly seen this coming besides literally everyone?”
NATION WONDERS IF IT’S TOO LATE TO REMEMBER HOW TO MAKE STUFF
As MIT embarks on this bold initiative, 94% of Americans surveyed responded by asking, “Manufacturing? Is that like an app or something?” The remaining 6% were too busy trying to fix their own toasters to respond.
At press time, MIT was reportedly considering a follow-up initiative called “Remember Shops?” to reintroduce the concept of physical retail stores to a generation that thinks everything magically appears after clicking “Buy Now” on Amazon.
