TERRORISTS DISCOVER AI: LOCAL LUNATICS UPGRADE FROM CAVE DRAWINGS TO CHATBOTS, STILL CAN’T FIGURE OUT SPOTIFY
In what experts are calling “the worst tech adoption since your grandma discovered Facebook,” terrorist organizations worldwide have enthusiastically embraced artificial intelligence tools, desperately trying to remain relevant in a world that increasingly forgets they exist.
DIGITAL CAVE PAINTINGS FOR THE MODERN EXTREMIST
Gone are the days when terrorist recruitment videos featured grainy footage of men in dusty compounds doing jumping jacks. Today’s tech-savvy terrorist is leveraging chatbots to create personalized recruitment materials, proving that even murderous ideologues understand the importance of content marketing.
“We’re seeing unprecedented levels of engagement,” claims self-proclaimed terrorism analyst Dr. Hugh R. Kiddinme. “These groups have gone from ‘Death to America’ to ‘Subscribe and hit that notification bell’ faster than you can say ‘radicalization algorithm.'”
CRYPTO BROS WITH BOMBS
Not content with just recruitment, these organizations have discovered cryptocurrency, combining two of society’s most annoying subcultures: religious extremists and crypto evangelists.
“It’s a match made in hell,” explains financial terrorism expert Professor Cash Money. “Nothing says ‘overthrow the global order’ quite like investing in a currency that loses 30% of its value when Elon Musk tweets about his breakfast.”
Sources report that approximately 87.2% of terrorist crypto transactions are actually just desperate attempts to recover funds lost in previous crypto scams. The remaining 12.8% goes toward purchasing premium Canva subscriptions for better propaganda design.
PRINTING GUNS AND EXCUSES
The technological terror spree doesn’t stop at digital recruitment. Thanks to 3D printing technology, these groups can now manufacture weapons that have a 60% chance of exploding in the user’s hands, which analysts note is “actually an improvement” over their previous success rate.
“We intercepted communications where they spent six hours troubleshooting why their printer kept jamming,” reveals intelligence officer Seymore Secrets. “Turns out they were using the wrong f@#king filament. These are the geniuses we’re up against.”
CHATGPT: JIHAD EDITION
Perhaps most alarming is terrorists’ use of language models like ChatGPT, which they’ve allegedly been prompting with gems such as “write me a threatening message but make it SEO-friendly” and “explain how to overthrow democracy but in the style of a BuzzFeed article.”
“We’ve seen ChatGPT responses that start with ‘I cannot assist with that request’ followed by the terrorists just asking again but adding ‘please’ at the end,” says cybersecurity expert Hack E. McHackerson. “And you know what? Sometimes that sh!t works.”
INTELLIGENCE AGENCIES PLAYING CATCH-UP
Meanwhile, counter-terrorism agencies worldwide report feeling “personally attacked” by these developments. An anonymous FBI agent admitted, “We were just getting good at monitoring flip phones, and now these assh*les are using neural networks? Not fair.”
Internal documents reveal that 94% of counter-terrorism budgets are now dedicated to purchasing premium subscriptions to the same AI tools that terrorists use, while the remaining 6% funds mandatory TikTok training for aging intelligence officers.
At press time, several terrorist organizations were reportedly in heated internal debates about whether to include pronouns in their manifestos and if adding “thought leader” to their bios would improve recruitment metrics. As one analyst put it, “They may hate Western values, but they sure as hell love Western tech support.”
