TECH GIANTS PROMISE TO ONLY STEAL 98% OF CREATIVE CONTENT, CALL REMAINING 2% “GENEROUS ARTISTIC CHARITY”
In what experts are calling “the digital equivalent of a mugging where the thief gives you back your empty wallet as a souvenir,” Australian tech companies have boldly proposed that creators should be grateful they’re allowed to keep any rights to their work at all.
SILICON VALLEY BENEVOLENTLY OFFERS CREATORS THE OPPORTUNITY TO BE EXPLOITED
Australia’s Productivity Commission shocked absolutely f@#king nobody yesterday by siding with tech billionaires who argued that the intellectual property of artists, writers, and creators should be freely available to train their money-printing AI machines. The commission essentially concluded that since stealing has already happened, we might as well make it legal.
“What these creative snowflakes don’t understand is that we’re doing them a favor by taking their life’s work without permission,” explained Chad Datasucker, CEO of AlgorithmicTheftCorp. “They should be honored we chose their content to be digitally liquified into our profit smoothies.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON WHY CREATORS ARE JUST BEING DRAMATIC
Dr. Payme Nochance, Professor of Exploitation Economics at the University of Corporate Interests, believes creators are overreacting.
“Look, 99.7% of artists already live below the poverty line, so what’s another 0.3%?” she said while lounging on a yacht purchased with tech company consulting fees. “Besides, our studies show that people can survive on exposure for up to six weeks before requiring actual food.”
LABOR PARTY STUCK BETWEEN ROCK AND SOMETHING EQUALLY UNCOMFORTABLE
The Australian government appears to have been caught with its metaphorical pants down, frantically trying to decide whether to protect human creativity or bow to the inevitable digital overlords who promise “incredible innovation” if only they can have everyone’s intellectual property for free.
“We’re carefully weighing both sides,” said government spokesperson Ima Waffling. “On one hand, we have the entire creative industry of Australia. On the other hand, we have companies worth trillions of dollars who might get angry at us. It’s just so hard to decide!”
TECH COMPANIES EXPLAIN WHY THEFT IS ACTUALLY INNOVATION
Silicon Valley representatives insist that taking creators’ work without permission or payment is simply “democratizing content” and “fostering an environment of shared intellectual wealth,” terms that conveniently ignore that the sharing only goes one way.
“If you think about it, Shakespeare never got paid when people quoted ‘to be or not to be,’ so really, we’re just continuing a proud tradition,” said Miranda Rightsstealer, Chief Theft Officer at DataHarvestCorp. “Besides, we’ve calculated that creators can live quite comfortably by eating their own dignity.”
STUDY SHOWS 100% OF TECH CEOS WOULD BE FURIOUS IF SOMEONE TOOK THEIR PROPERTY
In a stunning display of hypocrisy that shocked literally no one, a recent survey found that every single tech executive who supports free use of others’ content for AI training would immediately file lawsuits if someone used their proprietary code without permission.
“That’s completely different,” explained Silicon Valley spokesperson Double Standard. “Our algorithms are valuable intellectual property. Creative works are just, you know, words and pictures and stuff anyone could make.”
The commission’s report concluded that while the horse may have already bolted on copyright protection, they recommend installing a stable door anyway, but making sure it’s made of tissue paper and has no lock, just to be fair to the horses.
