TECH GIANT RAISES €720 MILLION TO BUILD DATA CENTERS; LOCAL RESIDENTS THRILLED ABOUT GIANT HUMMING BOXES REPLACING PARKS
In what financial experts are calling “just another boring-ass day in late-stage capitalism,” Vantage Data Centers has secured a staggering €720 million in Europe’s first-ever euro-denominated deal backed by German data centers, because apparently, securing funding for giant electricity-guzzling boxes is more important than solving literally any other European problem.
GERMANS ECSTATIC TO HAVE MORE ELECTRICITY CONSUMPTION
Local Germans are reportedly “f@#king thrilled” about the prospect of having even more massive warehouses filled with blinking lights consuming the equivalent electricity of small nations.
“Oh ja, this is exactly what we wanted instead of affordable housing,” said Helga Nichtreal, a fictional Berlin resident we completely made up for this article. “My apartment costs €2,000 a month for a studio where I can touch all four walls while sitting on my toilet, but thank God we’ll have more places to store everyone’s vacation selfies and pornography preferences.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN WITH OPINIONS NOBODY ASKED FOR
Dr. Hans Obviouspoint, Professor of Economic Sh!tshows at the University of Who Cares, explained the significance: “This deal represents the first time Europeans have found a way to burn money and electricity simultaneously while pretending it’s progress. It’s really quite innovative.”
The funding will reportedly fuel AI and cloud expansion, which financial analyst Penny Wastington describes as “essentially building expensive refrigerators for computers that get hot because they’re trying to figure out if that’s a bicycle in a captcha.”
ENVIRONMENTAL IMPACT DEEMED “LOL WHO CARES”
When questioned about the environmental impact of data centers, which consume approximately 743 trillion gallons of water annually (a statistic we completely fabricated), Vantage spokesperson Emma Greenwasher responded, “These facilities are actually great for the environment because… um… cloud… something something renewable… look, a distraction!” before throwing a smoke bomb and disappearing.
WORKERS CELEBRATE NEW JOBS THAT WILL EVENTUALLY BE AUTOMATED
The expansion is expected to create upwards of 200 jobs, 198 of which will eventually be replaced by the very AI systems being housed in the data centers.
“I’m just happy to train my silicon replacement,” said future employee Otto Replaceble. “It’s like raising a child who will eventually murder you, but with better benefits for a few years.”
THE FUTURE IS BRIGHT AND EXTREMELY LOUD
As Europe continues to embrace the digital revolution, citizens can look forward to more humming boxes dotting the landscape, creating jobs for security guards to protect empty buildings filled with servers that are storing billions of unread emails and that one spreadsheet your boss really needs.
At press time, Vantage Data Centers was reportedly already planning their next fundraising round to build even larger electricity-guzzling complexes, because apparently the first €720 million wasn’t enough to satisfy their insatiable hunger for power, both electrical and metaphorical.
