TECH NERDS THRILLED TO JOIN MILITARY AFTER RUNNING WORLD’S LARGEST SURVEILLANCE SYSTEMS “JUST FOR FUN”
In a move that has absolutely nothing to do with the military industrial complex gaining direct access to your private data, several tech executives have achieved their childhood dreams of playing dress-up in army uniforms while maintaining their seven-figure salaries.
SILICON VALLEY EXECUTIVES FINALLY GET TO PLAY WITH REAL WEAPONS INSTEAD OF JUST METAPHORICALLY DESTROYING DEMOCRACY
Meta’s chief technology officer Andrew “Boz” Bosworth called it “the great honor of my life” to join the US Army’s new Detachment 201, narrowly edging out his previous life honors of “helping Cambridge Analytica influence elections” and “convincing billions of people to voluntarily submit to 24/7 surveillance.”
The program, which commissions tech executives as lieutenant colonels despite their complete lack of military experience, has been praised as “totally not f@cking terrifying” by absolutely no one with a functioning brain.
MILITARY DISCOVERS BRILLIANT SHORTCUT: WHY REGULATE BIG TECH WHEN YOU CAN JUST MAKE THEM GENERALS?
“This innovative partnership solves multiple problems at once,” explained Dr. Obvious Conflict, a Pentagon consultant. “The military gets access to surveillance technology that would make George Orwell sh!t himself, and tech bros get to feel like real soldiers without the inconvenience of basic training, combat, or accountability.”
Sources confirm the tech executives will maintain their day jobs while enjoying military ranks that actual soldiers spend decades earning. They’ll reportedly split their time between Silicon Valley campuses and Pentagon meetings where they’ll whisper “have you tried turning democracy off and on again?” to four-star generals.
MILITARY UNIFORMS HASTILY REDESIGNED TO ACCOMMODATE PATAGONIA VESTS AND AIRPODS
Palantir executives, already experienced in military contracts worth billions of dollars, expressed excitement about the arrangement. “It’s really streamlined things,” said an unnamed Palantir source. “Before we had to at least pretend there was a bidding process before we got massive government contracts. Now we can just award them to ourselves at lunch!”
According to an internal memo obtained exclusively by this reporter, Detachment 201’s first mission will be Operation Data Harvest, where they’ll finally complete the seamless integration of your Instagram DMs with predator drone targeting systems.
When asked if civilians should be concerned about this merger of military power with companies that already know everything about them, Pentagon spokesperson Colonel Sanders McGruff laughed for approximately 47 seconds before saying, “What are you gonna do about it, post angry comments online? We’ll see those too.”
MILITARY PROMISES EXCITING NEW FEATURES LIKE “DRAFT BY ALGORITHM” AND “TARGETED ADVERTISEMENTS FOR TARGETED ASSASSINATIONS”
Public reaction has been mixed, with 97% of Americans too distracted by TikTok to notice and the remaining 3% stockpiling canned goods in remote cabins.
In a statement that was definitely not written by an AI chatbot, OpenAI executive Lieutenant Colonel Chad Maximilian said, “We’re excited to bring the same ethical frameworks that have made social media so wonderful for mental health to the exciting world of autonomous weapons systems.”
At press time, Mark Zuckerberg was reportedly petitioning to be made a five-star general, arguing that his collection of spicy memes and ability to appear almost human in congressional hearings qualified him for the highest military honors available.
