REVOLUTIONARY AI-PHONE PARTNERSHIP TO FINALLY SOLVE HUMANITY’S BURNING QUESTION: “WHAT IF SIRI ACTUALLY WORKED?”
Former Apple design messiah Sir Jony Ive and OpenAI boy-king Sam Altman announced plans to revolutionize technology by creating what experts are calling “yet another f@#king device to make you feel inadequate about your current device.”
MARRIAGE MADE IN SILICON HEAVEN OR JUST ANOTHER TECH BRO CIRCLE J*RK?
In a video announcement dripping with more self-importance than a TED Talk at Burning Man, Sir Jony Ive declared that “everything I have learned over the last 30 years has led me to this place,” apparently forgetting he designed a $700 book of product photos and a computer monitor stand priced at $999.
The $6.4 billion merger between Ive’s hardware startup “io” (pronounced “pretentious”) and OpenAI promises to deliver what 97.3% of technology analysts describe as “something you absolutely don’t need but will remortgage your house to purchase anyway.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN WITH ABSOLUTELY NO SKEPTICISM WHATSOEVER
“This partnership represents the perfect marriage of form and function, much like combining a Ferrari with a library card,” explains Dr. Cash N. Mypockets, Chief Innovation Officer at consulting firm MakeShitUp Inc. “The result will fundamentally transform how we waste money on technology.”
Professor Obvious Hype from the Institute of Technological Inevitabilities added, “When you combine the man who made phones too slippery to hold without a case with the company that created an AI that confidently makes sh!t up, what could possibly go wrong?”
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS PRODUCT ANYWAY?
While details remain scarcer than affordable housing in San Francisco, inside sources suggest the revolutionary device will likely be:
1. Thinner than your remaining patience with technology
2. More expensive than your first car
3. Designed to make your current devices feel like obsolete garbage within 7 minutes of purchase
4. Capable of understanding exactly what you want, unless you have an accent or use slang or speak at all
Early mock-ups reportedly show a sleek white rectangle that does something vaguely impressive while making soft chiming noises that trigger dopamine releases in the consumer brain.
THE INEVITABLE COUNTDOWN TO DISAPPOINTMENT BEGINS
Pre-orders are expected to sell out within seconds despite nobody knowing what the f@#king thing actually does. Industry analyst Reali T. Check estimates “approximately 78% of purchases will be made by people who still haven’t figured out all the features on their current phone.”
The new device, tentatively codenamed “Take My Money 1.0,” is expected to launch with a 2-hour presentation where Altman and Ive take turns using words like “magical,” “revolutionary,” and “courage” while standing in front of minimalist slides with exactly three words per page.
When reached for comment about potential privacy concerns, an OpenAI spokesperson replied, “Privacy? Oh that’s cute. We’re way past that now, darling.”
The revolutionary partnership ultimately proves what we’ve suspected all along: in the future, technology won’t just predict what you want, it’ll actively convince you that you wanted something completely different all along while charging you monthly for the privilege.
