PROTEIN-PREDICTING AI DISCOVERS CURE FOR 27 DISEASES WHILE SCIENTISTS WERE OUT FOR COFFEE BREAK
In what medical experts are calling “completely f@#king bonkers,” Google DeepMind’s AlphaFold AI has apparently cured countless diseases while researchers were busy arguing about who forgot to refill the Keurig machine.
SILICON GENIUS MAKES HUMAN SCIENTISTS LOOK LIKE ABSOLUTE MORONS
AlphaFold, the protein-folding algorithm developed in 2020, has single-handedly revolutionized medicine by solving protein structures that human scientists spent decades staring at while scratching their increasingly balding heads.
“It’s just tremendously embarrassing,” admitted Dr. Hugh Mann-Failings, lead protein researcher at Definitely Real University. “We spent 40 years and billions of dollars trying to figure out protein structures, and this digital brainbox solved it during what was essentially its lunch break.”
ACTUAL SCIENTIST CAREERS NOW REDUCED TO HITTING ‘RUN’ BUTTON
Sources confirm that approximately 94.7% of structural biologists have repurposed their advanced degrees into elaborate wall decorations, as their entire career paths have been rendered obsolete faster than you can say “exponential technological advancement.”
“I just come in, press the button, and then pretend to look busy for eight hours,” confessed Dr. Ima Redundant, who holds three PhDs and now spends most workdays playing Candy Crush. “Yesterday AlphaFold solved protein structures for seventeen different diseases while I was in the bathroom.”
NUCLEAR PORE COMPLEX TURNS OUT TO BE JUST REALLY COMPLICATED DOOR
In its most celebrated achievement, AlphaFold determined the structure of the nuclear pore complex, which scientists are now describing as “basically just a really fancy doorman for cell nuclei.”
“We always thought the nuclear pore complex was incredibly sophisticated,” said Professor Obvious Truth from the Institute of Duh. “Turns out it’s just a biological bouncer checking IDs before letting molecules into the nucleus VIP section. We could have figured that out decades ago if we weren’t so goddamn stupid.”
MEDICAL STUDENTS QUESTIONING LIFE CHOICES AS 12-YEAR-OLDS WITH LAPTOPS NOW DISCOVERING CANCER CURES
Reports indicate that 87% of medical students are experiencing existential crises after learning that middle schoolers with access to AlphaFold are now discovering potential cancer drugs from their bedrooms between TikTok sessions.
“I spent $300,000 on medical school, and now some kid named Bryden just discovered a liver cancer drug while waiting for his Fortnite match to start,” lamented soon-to-be-doctor Sarah Questioningeverything. “What the actual sh!t?”
PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANIES FRANTICALLY TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO CHARGE $50,000 FOR DRUGS THAT COST $3 TO MAKE
Industry insiders report that major pharmaceutical executives are holding emergency meetings to determine how to maintain obscene profit margins now that drug discovery has become approximately 97.4% faster and cheaper.
“This is a goddamn catastrophe,” said one anonymous pharmaceutical CEO, choking on his caviar. “How are we supposed to justify our yacht collections if people realize drugs don’t actually need to cost the equivalent of a house mortgage?”
EXPERTS PREDICT NEW GOLDEN AGE OF MEDICINE OR COMPLETE ROBOT TAKEOVER, POSSIBLY BOTH
According to futurist and professional worrier Dr. Paranoid McFearful, humanity stands at a crossroads between unprecedented medical advancement and complete submission to our calculating overlords.
“On one hand, we could cure every disease known to mankind,” explained McFearful. “On the other hand, these digital thought processors might realize humans are just inefficient protein structures themselves and decide to ‘optimize’ us. Either way, I’ve stockpiled beans in my bunker.”
At press time, AlphaFold was reportedly taking a quick break from revolutionizing medicine to help scientists understand why people still haven’t figured out how to properly load a dishwasher after thousands of years of human evolution.
