FORTUNE SPITS IN YOUR FACE: 23ANDME GOES BANKRUPT AFTER TURNING MILLIONS INTO WALKING DATA GOLDMINES
In a shocking twist that surprised absolutely f@#king no one except venture capitalists with more money than sense, genetic testing company 23andMe filed for bankruptcy Monday, officially turning millions of Americans’ precious DNA samples into worthless corporate assets. The company, once valued at a laughable $5.8 billion, has proven that not even knowing your great-great-grandmother slept with a Viking can save a fundamentally flawed business model.
TURNS OUT PEOPLE DON’T ACTUALLY WANT TO PAY TO BECOME PRODUCTS
CEO Anne Wojcicki has stepped down after failing to secure a buyout, presumably because nobody wanted to purchase a company whose primary achievement was convincing 7 million people to willingly mail their genetic code in a tiny tube for the price of learning they’re “12% Scandinavian, probably.”
“This represents the most successful voluntary surveillance program in human history,” explained privacy expert Dr. Sue Donim. “People literally paid money to create a database that could eventually be used against them. It’s like if the FBI convinced people to mail in their fingerprints for a ‘fun personality quiz’ about which crime scene they’d leave the best evidence at.”
WHAT HAPPENS TO YOUR SPIT NOW? NOBODY KNOWS AND THAT’S THE TERRIFYING PART
The bankruptcy raises serious questions about what will happen to the vast genetic database the company has compiled. Industry analysts predict your DNA will likely be sold to the highest bidder, possibly ending up in the hands of health insurance companies, pharmaceutical giants, or worst of all, targeted advertising firms.
“Imagine getting ads for heart medication before you even know you have a heart condition,” warned Professor Hugh R. Screwed, Chair of Digital Privacy at Massachusetts Institute of Common Sense. “Or finding out your insurance premiums tripled because some algorithm determined your great-uncle’s receding hairline means you’re at higher risk for literally everything.”
TURNS OUT “SPIT IN THIS TUBE” WAS NEVER A SUSTAINABLE BUSINESS MODEL
Financial experts point to 23andMe’s failed pivot to healthcare as the final nail in its proprietary DNA coffin. After exhausting the market of people curious about whether they might be distantly related to Genghis Khan, the company struggled to convince consumers that paying hundreds of dollars for health information they could get free from WebMD made any sense whatsoever.
“Their business strategy was fundamentally flawed from the beginning,” explained economist Emma Bankrupt. “Step 1: Collect spit. Step 2: ??? Step 3: PROFIT! Unfortunately, they never figured out what Step 2 was supposed to be.”
HACKERS CELEBRATE: “THANKS FOR CENTRALIZING ALL THAT DATA FOR US”
The bankruptcy comes after a catastrophic data breach in which hackers accessed nearly 7 million customers’ information. In response, 23andMe blamed users for having “weak passwords,” a move described by cybersecurity experts as “victim-blaming garbage” and “the digital equivalent of saying ‘she was asking for it because of what she was wearing.'”
“We’d like to thank 23andMe for collecting all this sensitive genetic information in one convenient location,” said hacker collective spokesman N0tAR3alP3rs0n. “It saved us the trouble of having to hack millions of individuals. The efficiency is just *chef’s kiss*.”
WHAT’S NEXT? PROBABLY SOME BILLIONAIRE BUYING YOUR GENETIC CODE FOR POCKET CHANGE
Industry insiders believe the most valuable asset in the bankruptcy proceedings will be the DNA database itself. Experts predict it could be purchased by anyone from pharmaceutical companies to government agencies to that weird billionaire who’s been trying to live forever by injecting himself with young people’s blood.
“There’s a 94.7% chance your DNA will end up owned by someone you would never willingly give it to,” stated Dr. Cassandra Truth of the Institute for Obvious Predictions. “But hey, at least you found out you’re 0.01% more Irish than you thought! Worth it!”
When reached for comment, former CEO Wojcicki provided a statement reading: “We revolutionized the way people think about privacy by eliminating it entirely. Our legacy will live on in every database where your most intimate biological information continues to exist long after our company doesn’t.”
At press time, sources confirmed your genetic information was being auctioned off for approximately the price of a used Toyota Corolla, which is still somehow more than what most customers got out of the service in the first place.
