WORLD’S SMALLEST SUPERCOMPUTER ACTUALLY JUST JENSEN HUANG’S EGO IN A BOX
In what industry analysts are calling “completely unnecessary technological masturbation,” NVIDIA has unveiled what they’re claiming is the world’s smallest supercomputer, the DGX Spark, a device that appears to serve no purpose beyond making CEO Jensen Huang feel better about his collection of leather jackets.
CONSUMERS WONDER IF IT WILL ACTUALLY FIT IN THEIR HOUSE
The so-called “personal AI supercomputer” requires only a small dedicated power station, three phases of industrial electricity, and the cooling capacity previously reserved for nuclear submarines. Early adopters report that installation merely involved “minor” home renovations like removing all interior walls and converting their living room into a data center.
“It’s practically portable,” claimed Dr. Hugh G. Delusion, NVIDIA’s Chief Overstatement Officer. “I mean, technically Mount Everest is portable if you have enough dynamite and dump trucks.”
WHAT THE F@#K DOES IT ACTUALLY DO?
According to NVIDIA’s 157-page press release, the DGX Spark allows users to “train personal AI models” and “experience computational bliss,” which experts translate as “make slightly better deep fakes of your ex-girlfriend” and “watch the electricity meter spin so fast it catches fire.”
Tech analyst Amanda Hugginkiss noted, “For just $37,999, you too can own a machine that will be obsolete before you finish reading this sentence. It’s perfect for the person who has everything, including too much goddamn money.”
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The DGX Spark boasts power consumption statistics that would make a small nation blush. Tests show it consumes approximately 14,000 kilowatt-hours per day, roughly equal to powering 791 average American homes or one Taylor Swift concert.
“We’ve calculated that running this machine full-time would cost the average user approximately $73,000 per month in electricity alone,” said Professor Cash Guzzler of the Institute for Obvious Financial Mistakes. “But hey, you’ll be able to generate AI cat pictures 0.03% faster than a regular gaming PC.”
ACTUAL USE CASES STILL THEORETICAL
When pressed about practical applications for home users, NVIDIA representatives mumbled something about “future-proofing” and “technological leadership” before quickly changing the subject to the machine’s impressive 127,000 CUDA cores.
“I’ve had mine for two weeks,” said early adopter Steve Moneybags. “So far I’ve used it to run Microsoft Word and check my email. Occasionally I open too many Chrome tabs and the neighborhood experiences a brownout.”
COMPETITORS RUSH TO RELEASE EVEN MORE RIDICULOUS PRODUCTS
Not to be outdone, AMD has announced plans to release their own personal supercomputer that will reportedly require its own zip code and moon-based cooling system. Intel, meanwhile, is reportedly developing a quantum computer that runs so hot it technically exists in multiple states at once, primarily “on fire” and “catastrophically on fire.”
In response to questions about environmental impact, Jensen Huang reportedly laughed for seventeen consecutive minutes before asking if reporters had seen his collection of custom leather jackets, which now occupies three climate-controlled warehouses across Silicon Valley.
Pre-orders for the DGX Spark are available now, with delivery scheduled for “whenever we damn well feel like it” and a waiting list currently longer than the warranties will last.
