FACEBOOK TO REPLACE 90% OF SAFETY CHECKS WITH JANITOR’S MAGIC 8-BALL
Meta announces revolutionary “YOLO Launch” system where products are ruled safe if AI doesn’t immediately cause phone to explode
MENLO PARK, CA – In what industry insiders are calling a “f@#king terrible idea disguised as efficiency,” Meta announced plans to automate 90% of its risk assessments, effectively replacing human judgment with what appears to be a circuit board that occasionally shouts “SHIP IT!”
WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?
The new system, codenamed “ConsequencesAreForLosers.exe,” will allow Meta to launch products at unprecedented speeds by eliminating pesky human concerns like “ethics,” “safety,” and “oh god what have we created.” Under the new protocol, any product that doesn’t immediately cause test devices to burst into flames or start a small civil war will be greenlit for global release.
“It’s a revolutionary approach,” explained Meta spokesperson Chad Oblivious. “Instead of wasting months on careful evaluation, we can now release products in the time it takes to microwave a burrito. Sure, we might accidentally create a few digital dumpster fires along the way, but that’s the price of innovation.”
FORMER EXECUTIVES EXPRESS MILD CONCERN
Former Meta executive Sarah Sensible, who mysteriously left the company after suggesting they “maybe think things through occasionally,” expressed concerns about the new approach.
“They’ve basically created a system where the only red flag is if the product literally starts screaming ‘I AM EVIL’ in Aramaic,” Sensible noted. “And even then, there’s a checkbox that says ‘Is demonic possession a feature or a bug?'”
Dr. Obvious Warning, professor of Digital Catastrophe Studies at Make-Believe University, explained the implications: “Meta is essentially playing Russian roulette with five bullets in a six-chamber gun and calling it ‘streamlined decision-making.’ Approximately 87.4% of tech disasters throughout history began with someone saying ‘the AI says it’s fine.'”
IMPROVED EFFICIENCY METRICS THAT ABSOLUTELY NOBODY ASKED FOR
Internal documents reveal that Meta has created a new measurement system called “TTC” or “Time To Catastrophe,” which tracks how quickly a product can go from concept to international incident.
“We’ve reduced our TTC by an impressive 73%,” boasted Chief Risk Accelerator Timothy Yolo. “Where it used to take us months to accidentally unleash digital chaos, we can now do it in weeks! Our shareholders are thrilled, assuming they don’t use our products.”
The company is reportedly also developing a new AI system called “DARYL” (Deflection And Responsibility Yielding Litigator) which automatically generates apology statements and congressional testimony.
“DARYL is incredible,” one anonymous employee revealed. “It can generate 47 different ways to say ‘we take this very seriously’ without actually promising to fix anything. It even has a ‘blame the users’ button for really sticky situations.”
According to inside sources, Meta’s new safety algorithm consists primarily of a single line of code that asks: “Will this make us money?” with subsidiary questions like “Can we blame someone else if this goes horribly wrong?” and “Is the potential lawsuit cheaper than the projected profit?”
In a final statement, Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg assured users, “Safety is our number one priority, right after profit, growth, market domination, and ensuring everyone’s personal data is as publicly available as possible. Trust us, our algorithm has run the numbers and determined with 51% confidence that nothing catastrophic will happen… probably.”
At press time, Meta’s new automated risk assessment system had reportedly approved the release of a feature that automatically tags users’ most embarrassing photos and sends them to their professional contacts, calling it “an exciting new connectivity opportunity.”
