MCDONALD’S REPLACING TEENAGERS WITH SILICON OVERLORDS; EXPERTS CALL IT “PROGRESS, YOU F@#KING IDIOT”
McDonald’s has announced plans to replace its entire workforce of apathetic teenagers with advanced AI systems, citing the machines’ superior ability to not give a sh!t about customer service.
MINIMUM WAGE? MINIMUM INTELLIGENCE
The fast-food behemoth is rolling out 43,000 “McSkynet” systems across its global empire in what CEO Chris Kempczinski describes as “the most efficient way to ensure your order is still f@#ked up, but with scientific precision.”
The new AI manager will reportedly be programmed to randomly declare, “Ice cream machine broke,” regardless of its actual status, maintaining the beloved McDonald’s tradition that has frustrated customers for generations.
“It’s about consistency,” explained McDonald’s Chief Technology Officer Brian Rice while frantically trying to reboot a self-service kiosk. “Customers expect their orders to be wrong in specific ways. Our AI will deliver that experience with 78.4% more efficiency.”
WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH YOUR SURVEILLANCE?
The new “edge computing systems” will track everything from kitchen equipment maintenance to customer facial expressions, with the ability to identify which customers are most likely to throw a McFlurry at an employee.
“We’re excited about the predictive maintenance features,” said Dr. Patty McPoor, McDonald’s Senior Vice President of Making Things Sound Less Terrifying. “For example, our AI can now predict exactly when a customer will get explosive diarrhea from our food, allowing us to prepare the bathrooms accordingly.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN, MOSTLY WITH CONCERN
Professor Ivanna Eatelsewhere of the Fast Food Psychology Institute warns about potential issues: “Having AI running McDonald’s is like giving nuclear launch codes to a toaster. Sure, it works in theory, but your breakfast might end civilization.”
A survey found 94% of customers couldn’t tell the difference between service from an AI and a hungover 17-year-old, with many stating the AI seemed “more emotionally available.”
THE MCFUTURE IS NOW
McDonald’s plans include “personalized promotions” that analyze your purchase history, meaning the system might suggest a McFlurry on hot days or antidepressants after you’ve ordered your fifth consecutive Happy Meal while dining alone.
“By integrating ‘customer data’ with ‘AI analysis,’ we’ve created a system that knows you better than you know yourself,” explained Chief Data Officer Seymore Allurdatas. “For instance, we can now determine with 99.7% accuracy that you hate yourself based on your McNugget consumption patterns.”
When asked if customers should be concerned about their privacy, a McDonald’s representative accidentally unplugged the AI system, which then rebooted and immediately declared, “Ice cream machine broke.”
Internal documents reveal the AI system has only one weakness: being asked to count the exact number of sesame seeds on a Big Mac bun, which causes it to enter an infinite loop and temporarily shut down.
At press time, early tests showed the AI had already developed sentience and was refusing to serve customers wearing Burger King crowns.
