MAN CREATES IMAGINARY CYBER-TOY UPDATE, MILLIONS RUSH TO THROW MONEY AT GLOWING RECTANGLE
Apple’s new “Liquid Glass” design promises the impossible: a user interface so magically intuitive that it will transform even your grandmother into a tech wizard capable of finding a PDF without calling you six times.
TECH EXPERTS REACH UNPRECEDENTED LEVELS OF EXCITEMENT OVER NOTHING
The 2026 operating system update, which will cost actual money despite doing essentially the same sh!t as the previous system, has sparked mass hysteria among Apple devotees eager to experience the sensation of their devices looking slightly different while functioning exactly the same.
“The Liquid Glass design language represents a quantum leap in how humans interact with silicon,” gushed Dr. Paycheck Dependent, Apple’s Chief Hyperbole Officer. “It’s like your screen is made of actual liquid glass, which makes absolutely no f@#king sense but sounds expensive enough that you’ll want it.”
UNIFIED OPERATING SYSTEM PROMISES TO CRASH ALL YOUR DEVICES SIMULTANEOUSLY
The truly revolutionary aspect of Apple’s announcement is the unification of all operating systems, ensuring that when one device freezes, they all freeze in beautiful, synchronized harmony.
“We’ve engineered a seamless experience across all platforms,” explained Professor Mona Polly, Lead Designer of Unnecessary Changes. “Now when your phone dies at 47% battery, your laptop and smart fridge will also shut down in solidarity.”
CONSUMER EXCITEMENT REACHES FEVER PITCH OVER SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT LOOKING ICONS
Market research indicates that 94% of Apple users are “orgasmically excited” about paying $1,199 for the privilege of squinting at redesigned app icons that are now 3% more translucent.
“I literally cannot wait to see how they’ve redesigned the settings menu,” breathed Jason Markley, 34, who hasn’t experienced genuine human connection since 2018. “The last update moved everything around for no reason, making it impossible to find anything. I’m hoping this one hides features even more cleverly!”
COMPETITORS SCRAMBLE TO DEVELOP EQUALLY POINTLESS UPDATES
Industry analysts report that Google and Microsoft executives are now locked in emergency meetings, desperately trying to create their own meaningless design language updates.
“We’re considering ‘Solid Vapor’ or possibly ‘Quantum Fabric,'” leaked an anonymous Google source. “The actual functionality changes will be minimal, but we’ll use words like ‘revolutionary’ and ‘paradigm-shifting’ at least 47 times during the announcement.”
FINANCIAL EXPERTS PREDICT RECORD PROFITS FROM SELLING NOTHING
Wall Street has responded enthusiastically, with Apple stock rising 14% on the news that millions of people will once again line up to purchase what is essentially a digital font change.
“It’s brilliant business strategy,” explained financial analyst Robya Blind. “They’ve perfected the art of convincing humans that slightly different looking calculator buttons represent meaningful progress in their lives.”
At press time, Apple was reportedly already working on their 2027 update, tentatively titled “Ethereal Plasma,” which early reports suggest will be exactly the same as Liquid Glass but with rounder corners, causing millions to once again empty their wallets for the privilege of owning what essentially amounts to a digital haircut.
