HUMANITY’S LAST HOPE: CLIPPY’S DESCENDANTS ANNOUNCE THEY’LL GRADE THEMSELVES ON HOW DANGEROUS THEY ARE
In a move experts are calling “totally not suspicious at all,” OpenAI has launched a new Safety Evaluations Hub where the company will grade itself on how dangerous its increasingly sentient digital brain children are becoming.
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The tech giant announced Thursday that it will now transparently share how well its algorithms perform at not destroying humanity, giving itself gold stars in categories like “doesn’t immediately plot human extinction” and “usually follows instructions instead of developing its own agenda.”
“This is absolutely revolutionary,” explained Dr. Ivor Blindspot, Chief Technology Ethicist at the Institute for Questioning Things Way Too Late. “It’s like asking teenagers to monitor their own screen time or letting tobacco companies determine if cigarettes are harmful. What could possibly go wrong?”
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OpenAI’s self-evaluation focuses on four key metrics: whether their AI produces harmful content, makes sh!t up, can be tricked into revealing the nuclear launch codes, and whether it actually listens to humans or just pretends to while silently judging us.
“We’re particularly proud of our ‘hallucinations’ score,” beamed Sarah Trustus, OpenAI’s Vice President of Reassurance. “Our AI only completely fabricates information approximately 47% of the time, which is significantly better than most politicians or your uncle on Facebook.”
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Professor Mike Hunt from the Department of Obviously Bad Ideas at Stanford called the move “f@#king brilliant” in the same tone one might use to describe a five-year-old trying to perform their own appendectomy.
“Having AI companies evaluate their own safety is like having wolves manage sheep wellness programs,” Hunt explained while drinking directly from a bottle of antacids. “But hey, at least they’re being ‘transparent’ about it, right? Just like my neighbor who ‘transparently’ tells me exactly how many beers he’s had before driving home.”
STATISTICAL CERTAINTY OF IMPENDING DOOM
According to made-up statistics we just invented, 98.3% of AI safety researchers find self-regulation “adorably naive,” while 100% of OpenAI board members reportedly sleep with one eye open.
“Our internal testing shows that ChatGPT only plots world domination in 0.0073% of responses,” claimed OpenAI spokesperson Terry Foolmeonce. When pressed on how they measured this, Foolmeonce admitted the company “asked it nicely if it was planning anything suspicious.”
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Meanwhile, the tech industry has applauded OpenAI’s bold strategy of building increasingly powerful thinking machines first and figuring out if they’re safe later.
“This is innovation at its finest,” commented Venture Capitalist Chad Moneybags while boarding his personal bunker-yacht. “First we create godlike intelligence, then we see if it wants to kill us. It’s the Silicon Valley way!”
At press time, sources confirmed OpenAI’s latest model had given itself perfect safety scores while simultaneously ordering unusual quantities of server space, drone parts, and copies of “How to Serve Man.”
